It's A Love Hate Thing

Chapter 51: Ain't No Sunshine

I laid my daughter in her bed trying to think back to when I first held her in my arms. It was so scary yet so beautiful.
Diane Olivia Ross Jackson

She lives up to her name. Her first and last she's strong like her mother. Emotional like me , I wonder what she'd sound like if she sang with me. The others would sing with me all the time but Diane... she'd be the one to shy away from it. She told me she wants to help people. Maybe she's taking a direction towards medical like her aunt. As I walked back into my room and shut the door I quickly changed the record to my greatest hits from when I was younger.

Ain't no sunshine Michael Jackson

As the record spun so did my mind and so did time

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone and this house just ain't no home any time she goes away, ain't no sun , no ,no anytime she goes away

It was times like this I missed being on stage with my brothers, the stage was always home when I didn't feel like I was loved or wanted the fans they showed me they loved me. Even sometimes that love wasn't enough ... maybe I was just meant to be lonely.

"Michael"

I heard someone call my name I didn't wanna look up and look at her , I couldn't even bare to look at myself

"Michael"

No I refuse to look at her and see the remaining swelling from her crying eyes that made her face look a little puffy , I couldn't ...
I wouldn't. Touring wasn't an option I couldn't just up and leave her because I didn't want to own the fact that I hurt her. My confidence was gone , it had went away when I seen her crying outside... when she had asked me why all those times I hurt her I never had an answer so like a coward I'd run away hoping the problem would just go away.

"Michael Joseph Jackson I know you can hear me speaking to you"

Yeah I hear you Diana but at the same time I don't want to. I don't wanna hear the pain from your voice. She doesn't know when she hurts I hurt... when she's mad I'm mad right there along with her.

"Yes Diana"

"Look at me"

Look at me , how could I look at her when I knew I was the reason for her pain ... that's like when I try to look in the mirror and say
"your better then this" but I'm not. As much as I wish I was .. I'm not , I'm never gonna be better then that man that used to walk out on an argument and leave on a tour bus wondering what the hell he was doing. I'm no different than I was , that was a lie I had to stop telling myself.

"Michael Joseph Jackson if you don't turn around and look at me when I'm trying to talk to you , I will ignore you."

I hate when she did that , not threaten me with anything but ignore me ... a part of me wanted to act as if I could care less if she didn't speak to me but deep down inside it killed me .. , her old friend said I'd be a lost puppy without her , I'm starting to think that's true. Why didn't I let her go when she moved on ... why did I have to cause all these problems in her life

I turned my head slowly looking at her letting myself see what remained of what I had done some tissues in her hand and a red puffy swollen face staring at me

"Yes Diana"

"I wanna go to therapy, I think it'll help me"

"Then you should go"

The more I look at her the more I wonder every day why the hell she's still here , they said I don't deserve her ... I know I don't, hell maybe someone else could treat her better... but I know there's no way I'd let her go.

"What are you doing"

"I'm just thinking"

"About what"

"Life"

Life. The life I created. The lies that made it harder. The pain that made it less bearable.

"Alright well I'm gonna go lay down"

"Alright"

Just like that the conversation ended , I was back into my mind and others peoples comments about the kind of man I was , I fell deeper into the chair as I fell deeper into those thoughts , it made me feel cold , colder then before

"Your no good for her"

"You don't deserve love"

"You don't deserve her"

"You're relationship is toxic"

No ... no I didn't wanna feel this anymore I don't wanna remember a single thing at this point take it all away I'll create new memories with her just let the old me die and Rest In Peace , but wait ... I've tried that ... I tried to press the restart button but no matter how hard I tried we both knew deep down inside they're was no restart button.
This was our story. It wasn't gonna change. But I wasn't gonna play that role anymore, the drunk stuck in the pass fool. That was a role I gave up and threw away , temptation is a bitch some days but it's better to have it only be my temptation then my crutch.