the au no one asked for but it's here so what can you do
this is sort of inspired by brandon rogers' angry office skits because there's nothing more chaotic than brandon rogers
alternate title: Hosuh's "Hell's Kitchen: Jersey Shore Edition" That He Dares Call A Bakery: The Reality TV Show
~~~
Hosuh: Hi, I'm Hosuh, and this is Plan Bakery. It's... It's just a bakery, I don't know what else to say, I mean like... Do I say 'Haha, bread!' and then the editor just shows b-roll shots of bread or something? Like really--
---
Hosuh: I'm practically the Guy Fieri of baking.
Stephen, offscreen: Guy Fieri didn't make food, he reviewed food.
Hosuh: [shout-whispers] Shut up!
---
Jay: Wait, so Guy Fieri isn't a chef? I don't watch any food shows.
Stephen: ...If you don't watch food shows why do you even work here?
Jay: Maybe because I like baking, dumbass!
Stephen: No shit, smartass.
Daniel, in the back: And I'm badass, and you're watching Disney Channel!
Jay: Why are you eavesdropping?!
Stephen: Get a life, Daniel.
---
Hosuh: Here's the thing, I treat my employees equally. But when one is a dick and one is an alcoholic, you start to grow a... Favoritism complex.
---
Hosuh: I'm just saying, Daniel's a lot better than you two.
Stephen: You tell us that everyday.
Hosuh: Just so you don't forget. Jay wh-- JAY STOP POURING ALCOHOL INTO THE BATTER--
---
Jay: This job is a lot easier when you're drunk, because once the day's over you barely remember what shit went down that day. Ever since that one day months ago, I dare not work sober...
Director, offscreen: What happened?
Daniel, offscreen: Free cookie day.
Jay: FREE COOKIE DAY...
Hosuh, offscreen: It's a business tactic!
Jay: IT'S A TORTURE DEVICE
---
Stephen: The only reason you're still in business is because I'm here.
Hosuh: That's just your ego talking.
Stephen: I'm speaking statistically and logically, and the logic is that without employees you'd be fucked.
Hosuh: Good thing I have two other employees.
Daniel: You two are tainting my cupcakes with your negative energy!
---
Director, offscreen: What do you think about Hosuh?
Daniel: Hosuh's okay, I guess.
---
Jay: Hosuh's like any other boss, except he's not willing to take risks.
Director, offscreen: What do you mean?
Jay: He won't even let me try to make alcohol-infused delicacies to add to the menu. It's a good business idea! Right?! [looks at everyone on set expecting an answer] ...Right?
---
Stephen: Oh, Hosuh? Fuck that guy. I'd punch him in the face.
Hosuh, offscreen: We're in the same room.
Stephen: Yeah, and?
---
Hosuh: The only reason I haven't fired Jay and Stephen is because I fear it's far too late for that... And besides, they won't get the mercy I'm giving them anywhere else. Oh, and the shortage of employees isn't fun. That too, that too.
---
Daniel: You're so slow!
Stephen: It's a delicate process.
Daniel: Even Jay is faster than you, and he's drunk.
Stephen: I'm holding a knife right now.
Daniel: And I'm holding this team together!
Stephen: You have no idea how much you aren't.
---
Ann: As the boss of the boss I've definitely seen some shit. I was the only person willing to look over Hosuh's finances and while I can do that from home, I still have to stop by often. It's terrible if I stop by in the morning but at after hours everyone is too exhausted to start shit. Though there's some exceptions...
---
Daniel: [throws wet towel at stephen]
Stephen: [throws wet towel at jay]
Jay: [throws wet towel at dan]
Ann: What are you doing?
Daniel: We got bored. [throws wet towel at stephen]
Hosuh: ...You know you still have to clean, right?
Stephen: Yeah. [throws wet towel at jay]
Ann:
Hosuh:
Jay: [throws wet towel at dan]
Hosuh: If you don't start cleaning I'm cutting your pays.
Daniel: OOP [starts cleaning]
Stephen: SHIT [gets a towel]
Jay: Haha, what? [gets a towel] I've been cleaning this whooole time.
Hosuh: That's what I thought.
---
Stephen: I should've opened up an ice cream shop right next door so that you suffer from my success!
Hosuh: BUT YOU DIDN'T!
Ann: Jay, get down from there and drink some water, your organs are gonna get so fucked in the coming years!
Jay: [standing on the counter] If I need water SO BAD why can't my body just use some of the 60% of water it has stored within these flesh walls to satisfy my needs?!
Daniel: ...That's-- That's it. That's the bakery. Roll the credits already.
~~~
a longer and very chaotic skit. thanks for 500 votes gamers!!!
i think im gonna finish this trend of "[blank]'s chaotic [blank]" because chaos reigns supreme always
also!!! i just documented important parts of jay's guest appearance on ann's twitch stream in the replies of my most recent post on my profile's feed if you're interested in any bits that happened or if you're looking for jay facts to share with the jay cult. (rip if you're seeing this on a day that isn't a day i posted this chapter, i post random stuff for my future self to look at frequently.) i dunno what you guys'll do with the information i documented, i just like to keep up with ann and the danplan gang. (i didn't word some things well because i was trying to not miss anything in the stream soz)
sadly im not subbed to ann because im poor (ann has her stream vods set for only subs to watch them) so i always make sure to catch her streams :,) you guys should watch ann's streams too!!! if you have time to frequently watch ann's streams, it'd help her get partnered on twitch!!! (she'd need 500 concurrent viewers to be partnered, but any bit helps!!! plus, new friends in the chat is always fun. <3) her twitch is Melodify if you didn't know!!! her streams are good to play in the background if you're working on something. support ann or perish <3
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Danplan on Crack
RandomBy the way, can the Danplan crew survive my hellish crack ideas? Spoilers: Probably not. ~~~ The only Danplan fic as chaotic as it's covers B^) This book does not incorporate ships, but if you so choose, anything can be seen as a ship thing. Just kn...
