Sad Poetry

One minute

One minute,
Things are going great, I am happy,
I wonder why I ever thought of running away,
I wonder why I ever picked up that razor blade,
Everything is good.
I forgot what this feels like...

One minute,
I am numb, in that way that I have too many emotions running through me to process.
Like children playing in the yard, you can't keep up with them. Their screams are background noise but they echo in your sleep deprived head.
I wish I had a razor blade right beside me.
I dream of running away.
The thought of saying something nice about myself makes me sick, literally. I turn on my NF playlist, a sure sign things are not okay.

One minute,
I remind myself I'm just being dramatic. That I feel too much. The numbness fades, and now I'm over thinking everything. NF blares in my ears, to block out the world but it does not block out the voices in my head. The ones that hate me. That say I'm unworthy of life but also that I deserve all the pain it brings. I'm rethinking every bad thing I've ever heard. Regrets from two years ago resurface.
I forget what it feels like to be okay.
I want something to take all this pain away.

One minute,
I get up from my bed. I go downstairs and put on a show. I'm alright now. I'll be better later. I forget what it feels like to feel anything strongly. I am truly numb now, in a way that blocks out all feeling and thought. I move like a zombie, rotting flesh, ratty hair, hungry for feeling, a ghost of what I used to be. I almost wish the pain back...
I never feel anything quite as strongly as pain.
It is a reminder that I am here. That I am strong. That I can handle - even enjoy - pain.

One minute,
Its crazy how much can change
In just one minute.