Good for you

24. The first one

Lila at the moment:

I haven't been out of my room all day. The phone rang, the messages were coming... I was guessing from Alex. I didn't want to answer anything -- to anyone. 

My eyes are red, and I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I feel like every person in this world hates me. Why should I bother, when everyone's going to betray me and abandon me anyway?

I started ripping off all the pictures of Alex on the wall. I tore them to shreds and threw them in the trash. If I could, I would have done the same thing with the memories in my head.

I wanted to stay locked up in this little room forever. This is where I feel safe. The thought of work tomorrow gives me stomach sickness. I can't be myself, I can't do anything right. Damn...I know Chris will want to know what happened... I'm not in the mood for these conversations. I decided to call him and beg for a day off. I know I shouldn't be doing that after only my first week there but I don't feel like going to work.

"Hey... I was going to ask you if I could stay home tomorrow? I think I caught a cold yesterday at a picnic. "

"Of course, Lila! Stay home as much as you need. I'll explain everything to Bridget. "

"She won't be suspicious if I don't tell her?"

"I'm your mentor. Just let me take care of it. Is there anything that I could do to make you feel better? "

"No... I'm okay. Thank you. "

"I'm going to miss you at work."

"I bet! But here I am sick and my temperature is high. "

"Rest then. I'll see you when you're feeling better. "

I don't like the way I feel after lying. I want to eat myself alive. I feel bad for a simple half-white-lie, and yet Alex and Harvey have been successfully living with that for years. They would continue with lying if I hadn't found out.

I made a warm, relaxing bath, played music and gave in to the hope that I would briefly forget about the real world around me.Unfortunately, I only managed to restore all memories from high school.Harvey was the first of everything to me. First date in some restaurant that's closed now, which was expected because every time we ate there, we were sick. The first one I ever slept with, the first one I gave everything to. The first one I loved in ways I didn't even know existed. The first one I imagined a future happy life with. The one I could lie with for hours in silence. The one I had no shame for. The first one I brought home to my mom and dad. Who was in this same bathroom, sleeping on my bed. And now, after all, all these beautiful memories I'm starting to hate because all of this, from the very beginning, was a lie.

He already managed to destroy me once, but I've got through it. All I need is time.

Harvey at the moment: 

My whole week was fucked up. Mostly because of the shit that I've said to Carrie. On the one hand, I'm glad the truth is out and that I didn't have to tell her myself. On the other hand, I am sorry... Because I'm probably the biggest jerk in the world and no wonder I can't be in a relationship --I'm fucked up.

But what was I supposed to do? 

If I told her right away, the next day or a few days after the party, she'd leave me right away. She wouldn't have loved me, nor would I have gotten to love her. She's still, damn it, the best thing that ever happened to me.

If I had told her right away, we certainly wouldn't have been together for so many years. I wouldn't be so fucked up in my feelings for her, I wouldn't have a broken arm... For sure...

 I wouldn't have these pictures with her, which I still keep. The broken glass on my mobile phone interferes with my admiration of that girl. I have to remember to replace it. As soon as I can get my strength to get out of the house.

I have done so many things wrong. I should at least apologize to her. Or maybe wait a few days. Let it all settle down. What the fuck am I talking about, something like that can't just be "settled down"! 

 "What do you want?" 

"I wanted to check if you talked to Lila?"

"I wasn't talking. But she did. She knows everything. I was just wondering what you said to her." 

"Sorry, I was fucked up and hurt..."

"Hurt? You only think of yourself... You're just a jerk. "

"I... Wait, are you kidding me? You said that day in the park to tell her everything. Don't act like a saint to me. And you lied to her as much as I did. You ain't some little miss perfect, Alex!"

"But at least I tried to apologize." 

"Oh yeah, that went well... You bet. Don't bullshit me and don't accuse me. You're just as guilty."

 "I don't care anymore. Don't call me. "

Why the hell did I even slept with that depressed goat? Fucking liquor. The only thing I remember is being fucked up that Lila's suddenly not coming. I thought she was already tired and bored with me. I'm not normal. My stupid alter ego forced me to get drunk as a pig. I had a few beers, a bottle of vodka and a good amount of rum. 

Honestly, I don't remember how Alex ended up in bed with me. All I know is that at that moment, I was numb from all that I have drunk that night. Fuck. I can't make up excuses now for what happened.

But I hoped Lila would never found out...

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Guys! I am going on a short vacation on Friday so I won't post anything until the end of the next week!

Hope you like the story so far! If you don't, that's okay too! Have a wonderful day/night and have fun! 

Love, Anna <3