Nothing To Lose

5 - this is me letting go

Beam closed the car door. Kit was there on the driver's seat waiting for his updates while Ming was on the back seat, rocking their son to sleep.

"Well? What did Dr. Klein say?" He asked.

"He said I could come in on Tuesdays and Thursday for a session. I don't know Kit. I'm just not sure-"

"Hey. There's no shame in asking for professional help. You're doing a brave thing here Beam." Kit interrupted.

Beam nodded.

"You can always change your doctor if you're not comfortable with him. What's he like anyway?" Kit drove away from the clinic and took a turn to the highway headed to Pattaya.

"It's weird Kitty. I feel like he already knows me and my problems." Beam answered.

"He's a pyschologist, of course he's like that. That's their thing I guess."

"Why are we going to Pattaya again?" He asked.

Ming answered from the back.

"It's your godson's birthday P'Beam."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier? I didn't get to bring him a gift." Beam responded.

"It's okay P'Beam. Having you around is the best thing this kiddo can get as his gift." Ming brushes up his son's hair.

"I'll personally deliver mine next week. You guys are still here by then right?"

"Yes. We'll be at Mom's house." Ming answered.

Between the Kit's humming and the coziness inside the car Beam fell asleep only to wake up when they finally arrived.

The sun was golden and everything else that it touches.

"Wow." Beam said in awe.

"Our timing is perfect." Kit agreed.

"Baby? I'll just get us a room and let this plankton sleep some more. You and P'Beam should go and enjoy sight seeing." Ming carried his son into the hotel. The staff immediatly approached him to help him out the bags on his shoulder.

"Let's get some air Kitty." Beam suggested.

He still couldn't take his eyes away from the beautiful golden sky.

Forth would have loved to see this.

He sighed instantly after having the thought.

"Beam.. I have a favor to ask of you." Kit hesitatingly said.

"Sure. What is it?"

"Can you take care of our son tonight? Please. Please please. Pretty please." Kit pleaded.

Beam gave him a knowing look.

"Okay. Fine. I'll take care of your son so you and your husband can go all out tonight, you freaks." Beam laughed aloud.

Kit smacked him in the head.

"We are not going to do that! I'm surprising Ming tonight with a song on our balcony room. He's been such a good husband and father to our son, it would be nice to do a sweet gesture for him once in a while." Kit confessed.

Beam was stunned. He felt a small pinch just right around where his heart was. If only everything was okay and things didn't happen the way it did, he could be surprising Forth too.

"Beam? Are you okay?" Kit noticed the sudden change in Beam's mood.

The warm sand on his bare feet get's colder by the minute. He dug the sole of his feet even deeper.

"I'm not okay Kit. I know I told you that I would be but I'm not. Everything here in Thailand reminds me of him, of what he did." Beam looked down and placed his hands on his pocket. He felt the ring. He took it out and stare at it in his palm. The ring was shimmering against the golden sun.

Kit sighed and smiled worriedly at Beam.

"I know Beam. But accepting and knowing that you're not okay is a first step." He patted Beam's shoulder.

"Do you need a minute?" Kit asked.

Beam nodded in response.

"Okay. I'll be at the hotel lobby." Kit notified him.

"Okay.. I'll be there in a second.." Beam answered.

When Kit was far enough he turns his attention back to the ring in his hand. He took and let out a deep breath, trying to strenghten his own heart at what he was about to do.

"I know.. I held on to you for the most obvious reason. But if I want to move forward with my life I have to let you go. Maybe.. maybe in my next life I'll get to have you around my finger again. Maybe even given by the same person who gave you to me." Beam chuckled but it faded quickly.

He bit his lip and tried to fight back the tears that was already on their way out of his eyes.

He balled his fist and threw the ring as hard as he can. It was soon out of his palm and it was shining bright like a fallen star. Beam could see it in the air going down to the waves. He kept his eyes on it until he can't see it anymore.

The tears run down on his face and he tried to catch his breath.

"I'm s-sorry I had to let y-you go.."