Nothing To Lose

12 - wish I was good enough

"I'm sorry.." Forth uttered.

Beam looked at him but remained silent. He could feel his heart beating painfully.

"I know there are so many lines that I've crossed unforgiven. And I know no amount of apology can fix w-what I did to you. I'm s-sorry.." Forth's voice was breaking.

"I'm sorry Beam.."

Forth was choking back his tears.

"I'm sorry I r-ruined us. I'm sorry I made you so unhappy. I'm sorry I.. I h-hurt you.."

Forth looked at him straight in the eyes and Beam could tell that he was trying so hard not to cry.

"I will never forgive myself for what I did to you." There was bitterness in his voice.

Beam felt a lump in his throat.

"W-why didn't you tell me what you were going through? Why d-didn't you tell me that s-something was wrong?" Beam felt like he used up whatever energy he had left to ask that from Forth.

Forth was confused and when he realized what Beam was asking he suddenly felt ashamed.

"You knew? H-how-"

"Why Forth?" Beam interrupted, finally raising his voice.

"I thought that.. it would make you want to leave me even more. Who would want to be with an insane person?" Forth joked and chuckled that faded too quickly.

"I was in a very dark place Beam, maybe I still am." Forth bowed his head down in shame.

"Y-you broke me Forth. You broke m-me like your promises."

Beam looked up to prevent his tears from falling but Forth had already seen it.

"I'm scared.. I'm so scared.." Beam could feel his hands getting numb from the cold.

"Fuck.." Forth cursed silently in pain from seeing Beam cry.

"I know Beam, I know. I'm sorry.." Forth cupped Beam's face with both his hands.

"I'm.. I'm scared too.." The waves had reached their feet. The cold water was piercing their skin.

"I'm getting some help." Forth brushed away the hair that the wind had blown towards Beam's face.

"Maybe I'm a hopeless case but I had to try. So I could be the husband you deserve in case you came back and if you'd want me again." He said softly at Beam.

The sun was almost gone in the horizon. The orange hue had turned darker in color. The wind was colder than before.

"I lost you and it's all my fault." Forth rests his forehead against Beam's.

Forth closed his eyes.

"Please say something Beam.. Anything.." He pleaded.

Beam took a deep breath.

"W-whenever it's quiet, I can hear my own heart break. That's how much pain I was in. I spent these past few months in silence forgetting what happened, or atleast I tried to. But I can't. Even in my dreams you're there. That night you hurt me keeps on replaying in my head over and over again Forth." Beam was almost gasping as he tries to get every word out.

Forth felt like he was being stabbed in the chest. It was something he needed to endure. He knew it doesn't come close to what Beam went through with him.

"No matter how much I want to forgive you, I just.. can't." Beam shakes his head. Unable to fought back his tears, it cascaded on it's own.

"A-and that's okay.. That's okay Beam." Forth assured Beam despite the pain slowly killing him inside.

He wiped the tears on Beam's cheek and kissed his temple. He locked his arms around him and pulled him close in an embrace.

Beam broke down and sobbed on his shoulders. Each cry hurt more than the last. Finally letting out all the pain he thought he dealt with. He felt his knees buckled. If it wasn't for Forth he would have collapsed on the sand. And Forth hugged him like he would never let him go. Kissing the side of his head every now and then until there were no more tears. It took all of Forth's strenght not to cry and it still wasn't enough. His eyes had a mind of it's own.

"Will you let me e-earn it? P-please Beam.. Let me earn your forgiveness? I'll do anything." Forth had his eyes shut, terrified of the answer he'll receive.

"I.. d-don't know Forth." Beam gripped at the hem of Forth's shirt.

Forth could feel the immense pain in his heart like it was being crushed. He remembered the promise he made to himself, that he will never force Beam, ever again.

Forth puts a distance between them, leaving the embrace that for a moment kept them warm from the cold.

"We're running out of goodbyes. Everytime we say it, it hurts just the same as the first. I can't let you go but I won't be selfish either, not this time. I won't ask you to s-stay no matter how much I want you to." Forth was well aware of what he was saying but he had to do what was right for Beam.

"I just want you to be happy Beam. You deserve to be happy."

Beam held his breath as he felt an ache in his chest from what Forth just said.

Forth gazed at the horizon. A bittersweet smile hangs on his lips.

"I remember the first time you looked at me. I felt like I wanted catch on fire. I wasn't sure what that feeling was. Then we both got drunk, that was the first time I kissed you. Right there I realized what it is that I was feeling all along.."

Beam watched Forth took his ring off. He could feel his heart slowing down as Forth throws it as hard as he could. Beam saw the ring glimmer from the distance before it disappeared beneath the waves.

Beam looked at Forth, confounded.

Forth bit his lips and smiled as a tear fell from his eyes. Beam could see it rushing down his cheek.

"I love you Beam.."