Nothing To Lose

19 - dance with the truth

Beam sat on the covered patio. He spent the last hour watching the lavender sway with the gentle breeze repeatedly. He had lost whatever thoughts he had about what happened earlier. He was simply spacing out. Watching the floras dance against the wind had somehow felt comforting for him. For Beam was still confused on what to feel.

A footstep made its way behind him, casting a light shadow over his entire figure.

"Beam?" Forth's voice was gentle, apologetic and unsure. It was far from the heart stopping scream Beam faced earlier.

Beam turned and looked up towards Forth who was towering over him. The Forth he had seen during breakfast is back. He looked scared and nervous.

"I'm sorry. I just.. I'm sorry I yelled. I shouldn't have done that. P-please don't make me leave. Please.." Forth frantically apologized, whispering the last word with desperation. He looked like he was on the verge of crying.

"Baby.." His voice strained. Forth was pleading. He wiped his eyes with the back of his palm.

Whatever Beam had felt a few moments ago was easily set aside at the sight of Forth who was scared and was about to cry.

Beam stood up and wrapped his arms around him, Forth immediately melted within his embrace. Beam kissed Forth on the cheek. He smiled as he looks into Forth's eyes.

"I'm not going to make you leave, ever. Do you understand?" Beam cupped both of Forth's cheeks.

Forth looked at him, still on the verge of crying but with a different reason now. He slowly nodded.

"Are you okay? Did you calmed down? Do you want to talk about it?" Asked Beam.

Forth rested his forehead against Beam's shoulders.

"Sorry.." He whispered.

"It's okay Forth." Beam runs his hands on his husband's back.

"No it's not, Beam. What if.. what if I hurt you again?" Forth held on to the embrace even tighter.

"Hey.. That will never happen again." Beam immediately responded.

Forth placed some distance between them.

"How can you be so sure?" He asked Beam. His eyes filled with uncertainty. His whole being longs for security.

The wind blew strands of hair onto his forehead. Beam brushed it aside and smiled. His dimples showing on his cheek.

"I have faith in you. And sure what happened earlier will happen again. But I can see that you're trying to be better and for now, that's enough for me. You're enough for me."

And all Forth could only answer with a teary eyed smile.

"Crybaby." Beam teased playfully. He chuckled at how adorable Forth was.

"Beam?"

"Hmm?" Beam hummed in response.

"W-what happened when you l-left that day?"

The question came unexpectedly. Beam halted from brushing his hands against Forth's hair.

"When i left the hospital?"

Forth nods.

Beam sighs.

"Do we really need to talk about it?" Beam asked hoping that Forth will drop the subject.

"Yes." Forth answered with great resolve.

"It was my fault you ended up in that hospital in the first place. I d-did that to you." Forth's voice shakes. His arms wrapped around Beam's waist.

Beam sighed. He lead Forth to sit where he was seated earlier. He knew going over the past would take some time. Forth sat next to him. He noticed the lavanders. Beam slid his hand with Forth's.

"Pha and Yo took care of me." Beam began to tell what he remembers. He tries to be as honest as he could. If he was going to tell Forth the truth he wanted to tell him the raw version of it. Without any sugarcoating, without any white lies to save them from being heartbroken all over again. 

Forth turned his gaze on Beam. He suddenly felt his heartdrop even though Beam had only started telling his story.

"There were nights that I would scream until I fell asleep. There were times that I would break down at the sound of a motorcycle because it would remind me of you."

Forth felt ashamed of himself. The guilt he thought was gone now feels like a second skin. His palm had sweated but Beam couldn't care less. They remained holding each others hands.

"It went on for a long time. When I was physically okay, Kit and Ming took me to England. I stayed there until I.. recovered." Beam plucked a stem of lavander with his freehand. He placed it at the back of Forth's ear.

"I'm sorry baby." Forth murmured.

Beam smiled.

"What about you? What did you do when I was away?" He asked Forth.

"I tried reaching out to Ming. Pha and Kit wouldn't talk to me. If anything else they wanted to kill me. They had every right to. Ming wouldn't budge too. He didn't gave any useful information for me to find you. I wanted to see you so bad. But I knew I'm the last thing you needed to see. I c-couldn't do anything so I just waited." Forth attempted to chuckle but only managed to let out a breathy sigh instead.

"I waited for you to come back. I didn't drink. I didn't smoke because I know how you hated it." Forth bit his lips trying to stop it from quivering.

"I think I became workaholic though." He teased, earning a snicker from Beam.

"And.. And you did. You came back. Now I don't know what to do. I get anxious that I'll mess this up again. What should I do Beam?"

"For starters, we should tell our friends and family, together. We'll start right this time."

Forth nodded eagerly in agreement. Tears at the edge of his eyes.

Beam looked at Forth. He caressed his cheek. He could see his vulnerability. He could feel his fragility. He could see this side of Forth hidden behind his tough exterior. He first saw it a few years ago when they were in college, when they were helping out in building a school, when Forth laid his head down on his lap for the first time, when they were holding hands at the back of the truck on their way home. He never thought he would see it again. His heart warmed at the memory.

Beam gently grazes his thumb across Forth's cheek. Forth leaned in to his touch.

You're back, Forth. You came back..