Nothing To Lose

18 - these are hard feelings

The dawn was approaching when Forth opened his eyes. The blanket hangs from the end of the bed. He must have kicked it off in his sleep. He turned to his right and slowly, he smiled.

He's still here. It wasn't a dream. He's right here.

Beam was sleeping, curled up next to him because of the cold. Forth reached for the blanket and covered both of them. He moved closer to Beam to give him a kiss on his forehead. He touched his cheek, gently.

This was like the night on the island when they shared the bed and made love. The only thing that was different is Forth didn't feel like time was pulling them apart. He didn't felt the need to prepare himself for another goodbye as he counts his remaining seconds with Beam.

Forth wrapped his arms around Beam. His hands settling on his husband's lower back. Beam stirred in his sleep and cuddled closer to Forth. He must have sensed the heat from his chest and wanted more of his comforting warmth and Forth felt exactly the same. It sent him into another peaceful slumber.

When morning came and Forth woke up, Beam was no longer at his side. Immediately, panic spiked inside of him. His chest pounds away. Forth threw the blanket aside and ran downstairs to look for Beam. He was having a million thoughts of why Beam left or where he had gone to. He got to the dining area and he was welcomed by the smell of pancakes and bacon. Forth momentarily stopped on his tracks. He found Beam placing the stacks of pancakes onto the table. Forth rushed to him and locked his arms around Beam with his face on his shoulders. Beam was taken aback at the sudden embrace from Forth, almost knocking him off his feet. He returned the embrace. But when it lasted more than it should, Beam realized that something wasn't right.

"Forth?" Beam uttered as he crooked his neck to look at him.

"I thought you left." Forth said with his voice shaking, it sounded muffled against Beam's shoulders.

Beam runs his hand on Forth's back to soothe him.

"I'm sorry.. I knew you needed sleep so I didn't wake you up." Beam told Forth apologetically. Forth remained silent but his arms around him tightened even more. Beam felt a slight discomfort of pain from it.

"As you can see. I'm still here. I even cooked breakfast." Beam tried to cheer him up. He kissed Forth on the cheek.

Beam can tell and he can feel it within his bones that Forth was afraid. It wasn't just a short term panic, Forth was deeply scared at the thought that he might have left him.

He knew Forth wouldn't let go of him easily. He cupped his face and looked at him in the eyes.

"Hey.. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to leave you. Okay?" Beam said softly.
Forth nodded. He was biting his lips that pursed into a pout. He had tears at the edge of his eyes. He looked like a kid that was about to cry.

"I made blueberry pancakes. And I cooked bacon too. You still like bacon right?" Beam smiled at Forth when he answered with another slow nod.

"Are you going to let go now so we could eat?" Beam asked.

Forth slowly shakes his head in refusal that made Beam chuckle.

"Then how are we going to eat breakfast?" Beam asked playfully.

Forth looked around the dining room trying to find some answer. He didn't really want to let Beam go. Having him around his arms make all the bad thoughts go away.

"Forth I'm not going to run if you let go. You know that right?"

Forth looked at Beam with reluctance in his eyes.