Nothing To Lose

8 - hang up and give up

Beam sat on the shore alone. Dr. Klein had already left and he left him with some things to think about.

"They blame themselves until they can't anymore. They walk around like they're carrying a grenade, one wrong step and they will try to detonate it. Unintentionally destroying themselves and those who love them, no matter how far apart they are." Dr. Klein looked at the waves.

"Then what are we supposed to do?" Beam asked, choking back his tears.

"We love them. We can't do much other than to love them, unconditionally. Throw a prayer and hope that maybe.. just maybe, it would be enough to heal them." The doctor smiled at Beam.

Beam touched his finger where he wore his ring before. He spent hours and hours trying to imagine the feeling of wearing it. Beam didn't even noticed the sun was rising. He stood up and dusted himself off. He headed back inside the hotel. He went inside the elevator and closed doors but not before pressing the number of his room floor.

The second elevator opened and Forth exited from it, carrying his bags with his phone currently on his ear.

"Nina? Handle the rest of my meetings. I'll be there on.. Thursday, I'm not entirely sure. There's an envelope on my table. Hand it over to my lawyers."

Forth left his secretary with a few alternative solution for his absence in the following days to come. He was supposed to go back yesterday but what Ming and Kit said to him last night really punched some sense of reality in his core.

When he saw Beam lying on the restaurant floor all he could think of was that day he was rushing him to the hospital. He couldn't shake off the crippling fear after seeing his husband unconcious again.

"You should go before he wakes up. We don't want him to see you. It might make his night terrors worse."

Kit was right, of course and Ming even agreed. Beam must have seen him that's why he fainted. He must have been so scared. Just when he thought he could take a step forward towards Beam, life has a funny way of forcing him to run away in the opposite direction.

"What if he looks for me? What if Beam wants to see me? Please Ming. Let me see him. Please.." Forth pleaded on Ming when he was led outside the clinic by Kit.

"It wouldn't be for the reasons that you want P'Forth. P'Beam is just starting to recover from what happened. Do you really want to take that away from him?" Ming responded firmly.

Forth was in tears and was ready to kneel just so he could be near his sleeping husband.

"I won't wake him up. P-please.. Kit, please. Ming.. I'll just h-hold his hand. Even for just a few minutes. Then I'll leave. I promise I'll leave." Forth begged.

"Two minutes Forth. We'll be in the room with you." Kit hesitatingly approved.

Forth wiped his tears as he entered the room where Beam was still unconcious. He sat down beside the bed and took Beam's hand, placing it on his cheek. He repeatedly kissed Beam's palm.

"I'm s-sorry baby.. I'm so sorry.."

Forth couldn't get a wink of sleep since then. He was having a thousand thoughts all about Beam.

He boarded the motor boat that he rented to head on to the island, south of the resort. Forth managed to lease a beach house for his stay. He needed all the solitude he could get for what he was about to do.

It took him almost half an hour but the ride to the island had relaxed him.

Forth entered the beach house and it was surprisingly cozy inside. He can imagine Beam, sitting on the couch, or swinging on the porch, or cooking in the kitchen. Forth wished he could have taken out Beam to trips when he had the chance. Even when Forth doesn't like the destination or the place, when Beam smiles because of it, it feels like a paradise. Having seen him again, reminded Forth of how much he's willing to give up just so Beam could be happy, even if it means giving up on him.

Holding Beam in his arms last night brought back so many memories, the good and bad. The ones when they were nothing but drinking buddies, not even friends. Who knew it would evolved into something more. And who could have seen it coming when it dissolved and disappeared into nothing.

Maybe I can keep these memories, all of it. It's the only thing I have now.

The rain had began pouring and the thunder claps against the clouds. The palm trees sway and the waves became restless.

I should let him go..

I should let go..

Forth sat down as he tries to convince himself of the decision he had come up with. He stared at the orange bottle of pills in his hand, losing track of time.

He came back to his senses when he heard a footstep on the wooden porch followed by a knock on the door.