Nothing To Lose

25 - we got lost in translation

"Thank you for meeting me on such short notice doctor." Beam held the cup of tea with both his palm as if he's trying to warm off the numbing cold from the wind outside.

"Call me, Samuel. And my office is always open to you and your husband." Doctor Klein removed the stacks of books on top of his table. He stood up and started placing it back on the shelf leaning against the white wall.

"I take it he's the reason why you are here."

Beam looked at the doctor's back. He put the cup down and then stared on his own lap.

"Y-yes. He seems-" Beam searched for the right word to say. "-different." He says with a resigned tone.

When the last of the books were neatly tucked on the shelf Doctor Klein sat across Beam. He took a notepad and a pen.

"Did he by any chance did something physically extreme lately? Or an episode perhaps?"

Beam caught himself biting his lower lip.

"It's okay Beam. Tell me everything so we would know how to help Forth."

That took the last piece of self-restraint and hesitation from Beam. He detailed the accident recently and what was happening to Forth right now.

"He won't talk to me. Again. After everything. I'm trying to be there for him. But how could I if I'm being pushed away?"
Beam gripped on his trousers.

"I.. I can deal with angry-hot tempered Forth. But right now I don't know what to do.."

There was an ache sprouting in his chest and little by little Beam could feel how it was taking over the hollowed void inside him.

"I just thought I-" Beam loosened his fist. "-knew everything there is to know."

The old doctor gave him a smile, a sad one.

"You're scared to lose him again."

Like a bomb that went off, Beam felt like he imploded. He didn't know how to put it into words but that is exactly how he was feeling. He was scared that Forth was slipping away from him. How Forth turned cold since they got home from the hospital came off as a confirmation for him.

"Tell me.." His heart was beating steadily. His palm was starting to sweat at the thought of his own question.

"Am I going to lose him all over again?"

A few hours later, Beam was sitting at the bus stop. He didn't want to take his car out. He didn't want to wake Forth up from the noise.

He stuck his palm on his jacket. The wind was unforgivingly cold accompanied by the thick gray clouds. Even with a hoodie and a puffer jacket on he could feel the slight chill beneath it. He recalled the things that Doctor Klein had advised him. He got so deep in his own thought that if it wasn't for the screeching sound from the bus's brake in front of him he would have missed it.

There were a few people on the bus when Beam got on. He sat alongside the window. The seat beside him remained empty. The ride home would take ten minutes or so. Long enough for him to think. Beam watched as the stores and establishments get blurry outside the window of the bus. He wasn't surprised when tiny drops of rain started to fall on the glass. Beam smiled when he remembered how Forth had always forgotten where he placed the umbrella every single time.
Beam contemplated if he should go inside or not. So for a few cold minutes he just stood there. Spaced out.

"Beam!" Forth yelled when he opened the door and saw Beam, standing in the cold with slightly wet hair and rosy cheeks.

"He's overthinking. He just doesn't want to hurt you again. But he doesn't know that what he is doing now hurts you just the same if not more." Doctor Klein told him.

"I just want him to get better." Beam stared at the now cold tea.

"Forth will have his good days and of course his bad ones. Stay patient for the good days Beam." The old doctor advised.

"Good or bad, I won't give up on him. I'll never give up on him-" He uttered, meaning every single word he just said, "-even if it kills me."

"Where were you?" Forth rushed to wrap his arms around him, not caring if Beam was wet from the drizzling rain. Beam slowly raised his own to embrace Forth. His face settling at the crook of his husband's neck.

"You're so warm now." Beam leaned closer to Forth. He wanted to cherish the warmth that he has now for he does not know how long it will last this time.

"Forth is scared for the very same reason that you are. You have to remember that he has IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder). Along with it comes depression, mood swings, and anxiety. Right now, Forth is scared that whatever he does will end up costing you from him."

A shiver of chill crawled up his spine. The thought of losing Forth again resurfaced which felt even more unsettling than before.

"H-how long will this go on?" Beam was almost too afraid to ask the question.

"When will he be okay?" He asked again.

"Forth? Hey? Look at me. I want to tell you something." Beam gently held Forth on his cheeks. In turn, Forth slowly raised his face to meet Beam's gaze.

"I just-" Beam felt the tears burning at the edge of his eyes. Forth's face became blurry in his sight. "-want to tell you. We're not going to lose each other again. No matter what." Beam smiled.

As his tears fall away from his eyes, Forth's face turns clearer. He noticed how Forth was choking back his own tears.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I messed up again."

Beam watched as Forth's breath turns into wisps of air because of the freezing cold.

"When will he be okay?" He asked again. Desperation was evident in his voice.

"I can help him Beam."

It wasn't the answer that Beam was hoping to hear but in his case, anything is better than nothing. Dreadful and anxious, he nodded for him to continue.

And as Beam was listening to the doctor on how his husband would get better he could feel his own heart getting heavier.