Nothing To Lose

17 - all of the stars

Forth laid on top of Beam. His weight didn't bother Beam at all. His face rests against the crook of Beam's neck. He kisses it from time to time. And Beam would do the same to his husband's forehead. A blanket covered Forth's lower body, he remained naked on the waist up. His bare skin was exposed for Beam's hand to roam to.

Beam forced him to shave and shower before hitting the bed. Forth had refused to wear Beam's clothes but settled on wearing his underwear, a logic Beam couldn't grasp.

Earlier when Forth was alone in the shower he couldn't help but think of all the things he could do for Beam. He had thought of many things. He had thought of what not to do to mess this up but when anxiety slowly sinks in he shook the thought away.

Beam gently combs through Forth's hair over and over again. It relaxed Forth and it was lulling him to sleep.

"Baby?" Forth whispered. His voice was coarse and it sounded airy in the silence of the night.

Beam hummed in response. His heart skipped a beat from what Forth just called him. He never called him like that before. It made Beam felt things, like a tingling sensation inside him that he couldn't pinpoint the source of.

"I don't want to sleep." Forth uttered. It was almost like he was complaining.

"Why not?" Beam asked.

"I'm scared. When morning comes, you might not be here when I wake up. It happened before." Forth said softly referring to a dream he had once when Beam was away from him.

"I'm not going anywhere. Close your eyes. I'll be right here when you open them." Beam planted another kiss on Forth's forehead. His lips lingered as he combs through his hair with his fingers.

Forth cuddled closer.

"I stopped going to Dr. Klein." Forth admitted out of the blue.

"Why?" Beam's hand halted brushing through his hair.

"I thought it was a waste of time. I thought it won't bring you back to me." Forth arms tightened around Beam.

"I'm here now. Will you ever go back attending your sessions?" Beam knew he had to ask this of him. The sessions were not only for Forth but for their relationship. Beam was aware that he could only do so much, he had to get him the help he needed.

Forth fell silent.

"For me?" Beam pleaded.

Forth nodded eagerly.

"Okay. I'll call him tomorrow to bring me back to his schedule." Forth promised. He shifted on top of Beam.

"Am I too heavy?" He asked Beam.

"No. Not at all." Beam answered.

The night had grown colder by the hour but with their bodies entangled with one another, Forth and Beam found warmth.

"I'm scared Beam." Forth uttered.

"I told you I'll be here-" Beam stopped when Forth shook his head. He was pertaining to something else entirely.

"If I lose my temper, I might hurt you. I might lose you again. I c-can't go back. I'd rather die than hurt you and lose you all over again.." Forth says. Beam knew he was serious.

"Is t-that what you were planning on the island? To d-die?" Beam gulped. He was scared of the answer for he knew it very well.

Forth gripped on Beam's shirt.

"Y-yes.. I was stupid." Forth admitted shamefully. Beam flicked his finger on Forth's forehead.

"You were. I swear on all my ancestor's grave Forth, I will kill you myself if you ever try to do that again." Beam's voice was shaking. He wrapped his arms tighter around Forth. The thought of losing him was frightening.

Forth traced his name on Beam's chest. Repeating it over and over.

"Kit will probably kill me first if he knows I'm with you." Forth chuckled lightly.

"I know.. I'll tell him about us." Beam responded.

"Are you sure?" Forth tilted his face up at Beam.

"Yes. I don't want to keep secrets just to keep you." Beam answered.

Forth felt his heart swell. He didn't know whether to smile or cry, his eyes and lips decided for him.

The silence was defeaning. Forth could hear Beam's heart thumping steadily. He noticed that it would pick up its pace when he kisses Beam's neck or when his touch lingers more than it should on his chest.

"Baby?"

There it goes again. Forth thought to himself, amused by his effect on Beam.

Beam hummed again to answer Forth. This time he can't help but to smile.

"Can I kiss you? I really want to." Forth asked boldly.

Beam felt a rush of heat on his cheeks. He nodded ever so slightly, avoiding Forth's intrusive gaze.

Forth leaned closer to Beam. His lips brushes against Beam's, softly, delicately. He took his time. He found Beam's reaction too adorable. He propped both his arms to support himself on top of Beam.

"Beam.."

He wanted Beam to look at him. He needed to see his blushing face. Beam knew what Forth was doing and so he playfully punched his shoulder as he chuckled.

"Beam.. I love you.." Forth whispered against Beam's lips. Slowly, he felt Beam's arms on his neck. He could feel him breathing. He could feel his warmth, it was comforting in ways he will never understand. He just knew it was something he needed like how he needed air to breathe. Beam was his hope and his love. He was a part of him, his reason not just to exist but to live.

They stared at each other as if their distance wasn't close enough. Looking at Beam, Forth felt like he was watching a meteor shower or a sky full of stars, he was simply breathtaking. Beam smiled and Forth smiled because of it. His nose nudged Beam's and they both laughed for reasons only lovers could comprehend.

"I love you.." Beam uttered softly in between his gentle laughs.

In a heartbeat, Forth kisses Beam and the world fades away.