Safe

-6- Blueberry Pancakes

Kendra Lincoln

"Ow ya feeing bae?" Rhett mumbles while he brushes his teeth.

"Nauseous." I snug the towel around me a little tighter as I meet him at the counter. "What's that smell?"

He shrugs his shoulder, "unno."

Whatever the smell is, it has my stomach turning.

"Did you use something else? Cologne?" I question.

Rhett spits into the sink, wiping his mouth with the towel that's balled up beside the sink.

"No."

"It smells awful." I complain. "Come here."

But I don't wait for him to close the space that stands between us, instead doing it myself. I lean in, sniffing his shirt like a dog tracking it's mark. I reach his peck, inching closer to his armpit when the smell hits my nose so hard I almost vomit right there.

"Ugh god." I clamp my nose shit, wrenching myself away. "Did you shower?"

"You saw me shower!" He laughs.

Surveying the bathroom, I locate his deodorant, ripping off the cap and smelling it.

"Oh god. That's awful." I jam the cap on, scouring the label for an expiration date. "This has to be bad."

"Does deodorant expire?" Rhett asks.

"Does it matter? It smells awful."

He plucks it from my hand, uncapping it and smelling for himself. "Smells like it always does."

"No, it doesn't." I argue.

I have proof, my stomach is revolting at the smell of it.

Rhett chuckles but he tosses the stick away. "I think it's your weird pregnancy nose. I'll get some scentless deodorant from the store today, alright?"

I nod my head but let out a huff. "It smells bad."

"Uh huh." Rhett pulls me in close and I can smell his deodorant lingering from where he applied it.

"It does." I whine.

"I know." He kisses the top of my head, his hands rubbing up and down my folded my arms. "I love you."

I roll my eyes, even though it makes me smile. "I'm not crazy."

"Never said you were." He muses.

I snuggle into his chest, finding a spot for my nose to rest that's far enough away from the terrible smell.

"I need to go start breakfast." I mutter.

"I can help." He offers.

I pull away, reaching up to kiss him as I do. I appreciate his offer but I want to ask Holt something before he goes off to school and Holt seems more receptive to talking when Rhett isn't around.

"It's okay." I tell him. "I was hoping to ask Holt about the holidays."

Rhett understands even if we both wish it was different. Now that we know what Holt has been through, Rhett is even more determined to win over Holt and he's decided that the only way that is going to happen is if Rhett let's Holt come to him.

I hope it's sooner rather than later.

"I'm going to head out then, let me know how it goes." He says. "I've got a meeting around eight but it should be over by nine at the latest."

"I'll call you once he leaves for school." I agree.

I leave Rhett to finish in the bathroom, listening to the sound of the shower going upstairs as I head to the kitchen. I'm amazed at how resilient Holt is. When I asked him if he wanted to go to school on Monday he said yes, falling back into his routine. It's as if nothing was ever said.

Deciding on blueberry pancakes, I pull out the ingredients, whipping up some batter. I manage to have the first batch of pancakes almost cooked when Holt comes into the kitchen. His hair is still slightly damp from the shower but the thing that catches my attention is the dark circles under his eyes.

"How'd you sleep?" I ask him.

"Good ma'am." He tells me, just like he's always done even though I know he doesn't.

I flip a pancake onto a plate, the batter stained purple around the blueberries that dot the surface of it.

"Blueberry pancakes?" I hand the plate to him.

"Thank you ma'am."

I wish he'd stop calling me ma'am.

"Don't forget, therapy is tonight." He nods his head as he chews.

We scheduled him for twice a week, something that Dr. Aldrich agreed with. I've asked him what seems like a thousand times if he likes her. I can't tell if he's saying yes because that's what he thinks I want him to say or if he actually does like her.

"I'll pick you up from practice."

"Okay."

He eats the pancakes like he's starving and I hope that means he likes them.

"Holt?" I'm hesitant to ask him even though I'd love to go to thanksgiving at my sister's as a family.

At the sound of his name he stops eating, his brown eyes meeting mine warily.

"Thanksgiving is coming up. Meghan, my sister,  always hosts it for the family at her house. She has two daughters about your age." I'm beating around the bush, giving him information that may or may not be necessary because I'm too nervous to ask him outright. Like everything, I can't tell if he agrees to things because he wants to or not. "What I'm trying to ask is of you'd feel comfortable if we went, as a family."

He's expressionless as he stares at me. My stomach turns and I'm not sure if it's because I'm worried about what's going on in Holt's mind or morning sickness.

"Maybe you should talk to Dr. Aldrich and let me know." I suggest.

He shakes his head, dropping his eyes back to his plate as he pushes food around on it. "I'll go."

I'm in shock, still watching as he finally stabs a piece of pancake and puts it in his mouth.

"You don't want to think about it?" I ask.

His eyes meet mine again and I hold my breath involuntarily. But once again he shakes his head and says, "no, I'll go".

My heart swells in my chest and a smile over takes my face. I've already decided that I'm going to call everyone and lay down a few rules to make it easier for Holt. My family can be loud and affectionate and I know that those two things won't help settle Holt at all.

"If you change your mind, just tell me, okay?"

Even though I'll be disappointed if he does, I want him to know the option is there. That his comfort and security, at least for the time being, is my priority.

"I won't." He says quietly, finishing the pancakes before taking his plate to the sink. "Thank you for breakfast."

"Of course honey." I want nothing more than to hug him. "Have a good day at school."

I stay in the kitchen, listening as he gathers his things and opens the door to leave. I watch him trudge down the sidewalk, frost sparkling at the tips of the grass as he leaves for school. I've offered to drive him plenty of times, instead he walks a couple blocks to the bus stop at the corner and waits for the public bus every morning which he takes to a stop a few blocks from his school. I'm not sure why he chooses to but it's not an issue I'm not going to press as long as he keeps coming home.

Once he's out of my view, I dance through the kitchen, happiness and excitement and a little bit of nerves spilling out of me. I snatch my phone off the counter and call Rhett. It rings twice before he answers and I belt into the phone "he said yes!".