Safe

-10- The World

Holt Jacobs

I slide a piece of the puzzle off the table, glancing at it for a moment before I find where it goes in the puzzle.

Dr. Aldrich has barely gotten any pieces and we've been at it for close to half the session.

"You're much better at this then I am." She muses.

I haven't said much today. Every time I go to, his voice freezes everything inside me until the words fizzle out. But Dr. Aldrich doesn't seem fazed.

Without thinking my mouth opens and I apologize. I almost make it worse, following it up with another apology to apologize for apologizing but I realize how ridiculous that is. That if I actually were to do that, I'd only make myself seem even more messed up.

"What are you sorry for Holt?" She asks me gently.

I swallow hard, fear swelling up in my throat until it feels like I might suffocate. My list of things I'm sorry for is impossibly long. Almost infinite.

I can't focus on the puzzle as my mind pulls up the list, ticking each thing I've ever done wrong off in my mind. There's a flower in the puzzle we've been working on. It's a soft pink, reminds me of Birdie, she has a shirt she wears a lot that's the same color.

"Everything." I whisper the word.

Dr. Aldrich doesn't stop from working on the puzzle but I can't seem to get started again. I feel overwhelmed, I'm scared, a massive impermanence that leaves me feeling hopeless.

"Why don't we start with one thing?" She says after a minute.

I nod my head, my heart slamming in my chest as his voice starts whispering in my mind. Telling me that no one cares, no one will believe me. That the only thing wrong is me. I'm the problem. And he's just trying to fix me.

But I stare at that pink flower, desperately trying to keep my focus there. I can almost see Birdie in my mind, her skin contrasting against the light fabric of her shirt, her curls bouncing around wildly. And if I can almost see Birdie that means that it's not him waiting for me when I leave this room. It's Mrs. Lincoln. And that thought quiets his voice slightly.

"That I'm messed up."

                            ————————

My therapy session went past the hour it was supposed to. I didn't know that was a thing. But once I started talking, things just started to pour out. And Dr. Aldrich didn't stop me. 

By the time we reach the Lincoln's, I haven't said a word.

"Everything okay?" Mrs. Lincoln asks me as she parks her car.

My thoughts are going over everything I told Dr. Aldrich, everything she said. We didn't talk about him. Or everything that happened when I lived with him. We talked about my grandparents, my mistakes, basketball, the Lincoln's. I told her how I hate tuna but I've never told Mrs. Lincoln.

"Why me?"

I'm not exactly sure where the question comes from or why I decide to ask it now.

"Why not you?" She asks back.

I lift my eyes to meet hers, the light from the garage illuminating the inside of the car casting shadows everywhere. I have a thousand reasons why not but I don't voice them.

"You know Holt, everyone deserves a family." She says when I don't answer. I manage not to jump as her hand lands on my arm gently. "Come on, let's get inside before we freeze."

She's out the door seconds later. I watch for a moment from the passenger seat as she pulls her purse onto her shoulder and snugs her coat closer around her. Is this how a mom is supposed to be? So patient, accepting? Understanding? Are all moms like this?

I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that they want to adopt me. That I said yes. That a piece of paper makes a family. Maybe it does. I don't really know, I've never really had one.

Climbing out of the car, I follow after Mrs. Lincoln and into the house. Going through the motions of taking my shoes and coat off, Mrs. Lincoln disappears deeper into the house, the sound of the heels she has on clicking as she goes.

"Rhett!" She calls. "We're home!"

"Living room!" He calls back.

I reach the stairs, about to head up them to the room where I'll stay the rest of the night when I stop.

Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and when I do a chill runs through me as visions of the basement flood my mind. I don't want the basement to be real. I want the Lincoln's to be. I want a family. I want to know what that feels like.

I force my eyes open, my body tense as I wait for my eyes to focus, to take in my surroundings but I've already lost a handle on which is my real present.

But as everything begins to focus I see the hardwood floors that run up the stairs and the white banister and the gray walls.  I take a deep breath, willing my heart not to beat straight out of my chest and turn quietly. A spread of photographs on the wall of the Lincoln's.

Everyone deserves a family.

I'm not entirely convinced that's true but I force myself off the steps and down the hallway to the living room. Mrs. Lincoln spots me first from where she's parked on the couch, flipping through a magazine. Mr. Lincoln is playing the N64 that Drew drug out a few days ago, tongue caught between his teeth as his fingers pound into the controller.

"Hey Holt." Mrs. Lincoln smiles at me.

Mr. Lincoln glances up quickly from his game.

"Want to play bud?" He asks. "I forgot how fun this thing was."

My heart is racing.  Panic creeping through my body. I stuff my hands in my pockets because I can feel myself shaking.

"C-can I just.." I look at the couch. He hates it when I mumble.

"Of course." Mrs. Lincoln says.

I take the few steps to the couch quickly, smashing myself against the arm of it. Leaning back, I try to steady my breathing that's escalated, desperately trying to push another panic attack away as Mrs. Lincoln watches me.

She smiles at me warmly and I try my hardest to smile back but I know it's more of just a twitch of my mouth.

"How was practice today?" Mr. Lincoln asks.

"Good sir." My voice comes out strained from my looming panic.

"I'm leaving work early for your game coming up." His focus on the tv even though he's talking to me. It makes it easier for me.

I don't know if it's supposed to be a good thing or bad thing.

"T-thank you sir."

He glances over his shoulder at me. "Wouldn't miss it for the world Holt."

                               ————————

Alright I'm about to go post that little something I told you all about. It's called Drew. For those that haven't read Owen and Mina, I suggest you do that first at the very least.