Safe

-35- Drew

Hannah "Birdie" Morrison

Christmas isn't the same.

Nothing's the same.

I don't know why I thought Christmas would be.

It's not like Barry is going to magically come back to spend the holidays with us. But everyone is trying to pretend like this is normal.

It hasn't snowed since the accident, the yards all covered in dead brown grass, the trees bare, frozen mud. It looks just as glum as I feel.

My phone goes off from where it's sitting on the coffee table, I've been staring blankly at White Christmas since Ava turned it on. It's tradition.

I wait until it alerts the notification again before I sit forward and grab it.

Ty: merry Christmas

I've been pushing Ty away. I know it isn't fair to him, he did nothing wrong but things feel different between us. They feel forced and awkward. Exactly what I didn't want to have happen. And it's my fault. I kissed him.

Deciding not to respond, I'm just about to toss my phone back on the coffee table when I get a FaceTime request from Drew.

A smile tries to come to my face but I hide it, climbing off the couch in search of a room that isn't full of my family. As I go I swipe my finger across my screen, waiting for our phones to officially connect.

"Hey." I say just as Drew's face fills the screen.

"So listen, I thought about what you said. I can't stop the party now. It's got a life of its own."

Laughing, I climb the stairs. "Well you know Holt. A party isn't going to be his thing."

Drew let's out a sigh. "I know, I know. I got excited. Help me out. What should we do?"

I close my bedroom door behind me, out of habit my eyes find the picture of my dad, Barry and I still face down on my dresser. I hate that picture and all our smiling faces.

"Everything okay?" Drew asks.

I force a smile on my face, completely forgetting he can see me and he probably saw my eyes fill with tears.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine." But my voice quivers.

"Hey what's wrong?"

I finally look at my phone. At Drew's blue eyes that are wide and filled with concern. His blond hair that usually perfectly styled is a mess, the side sticking up like he just woke up. I wonder if anyone else ever sees this side of Drew. Or if everyone always sees the perfect, flawless, handsome Drew.

"I'm sorry." I shake my head, whispering my apology.

Drew doesn't need to be the one consoling me. It's been four weeks and everyone else seems to be fine. Even my mom. They've all fallen into this new routine. One without Barry.

But I'm still waiting to go to the kitchen to get cookies and have the brand new box empty except for one. Or to walk into the dining room to see some massive puzzle in the works. Or to hear my dad and him going on about basketball or the start of baseball season, or any of the other things they constantly bickered about.

"Birdie what's wrong?"

"Why Barry? Why my mom?" I ask him.

Those two questions have been on repeat in my mind. Constantly nagging at me but never supplying any sort of answer.

He doesn't answer. Probably because he doesn't have one, just like I don't. I try to smile, laughing away my tears sadly as I wipe my face.

"It's just hard. Christmas and all." I say as an apology. "How was yours?"

Drew shrugs his shoulder, the screen shifting and turning as he does something.

"It was fine. Nothing crazy." He says.

"You're parents home?" He runs his hand over his hair, his face disappearing from the screen for a moment.

"They left early this morning before I was awake."

"What?" I'm shocked.

I know Drew's parents are hardly around, that was evident long before thanksgiving. But even the busiest parents stay home for the holidays. Or at least I thought.

"Yeah no big deal. My sister and them flew out this morning to California for a little bit."

"Why didn't you go with them?" I ask.

I'd love to go to Cali.

He laughs, that charming smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. "I'd rather stick around here where my friends are."

"You should have said something, you could have came here." I take a seat on my bed, my back to the dresser with my pictures on it.

"I'm not gonna crash your holidays twice in a row." He chuckles all light hearted and teasing and I want to ask him if it bothers him or if he actually is fine being alone but I don't. "Maybe I'll crash Easter."

"This is your only warning, my dad and I take no prisoners at the egg hunt. Come prepared." I'm completely serious.

"Mo does an Easter egg hunt?" He laughs.

His blue eyes are bright even through the phone, the smile on his face genuine and my heart flutters even though I know better.

"He's basically a giant child." I tell him.

"I'm definitely there then."

Picking at the stitching in my comforter, a smile on my face even though everything is still so raw feeling, I can't help but be thankful for Drew. We've been talking a lot recently and it's made me wonder why it took Holt to really make us friends. He's easy to talk to and always happy. And right now well I feel like I'm drowning in grief, I'm glad that he's there smiling at me through my phone.

"Thanks."

The word falls out of me before I can think twice on it. But Drew doesn't falter, like always.

"What're friends for."

His smile changes as his eyes dart to something off screen and I hear a girl call his name.

"Hey, I gotta go." He says. "Talk to you later."

And then he's gone, just like that.

I sit on my bed, letting my eyes wander my room. How everything is the same. The light cream walls and the white furniture. The soft pink of the sheets. But I don't feel like the same person.

"Birdie? You in there?" My dad's voice is slightly muffled through the door.

He doesn't wait for me to answer, the door swinging open.

"Everything okay?" He asks.

I watch as his gaze traces my room, he hesitates at the photograph that's turned down but he still hasn't asked me about it.

"Oh yeah. Drew called me." I tell him as I climb off my bed.

"Drew huh?" He places his arm around my shoulders, smashing me into his side. "Is there something going on between you two."

I laugh at the outrageous thought. "Uh no. Don't be ridiculous."

"Is that ridiculous?" He muses, looking down at me as we try to squeeze through the open doorway side by side.

Of course it's ridiculous. Drew is...Drew.

                          ————————

Happy new year every one! I barely made it to midnight! Especially after the debacle that was the cupcakes yesterday. Four and half hour laters I fucking won that shit. Those damn cupcakes got made and they were delicious. Cupcakes-0 DBR-1