Safe

-52- Monster

Luke "Coach Mo" Morrison

I feel sick to my stomach, angry with myself. How have I lost control of my emotions so easily. So quickly.

I'm a tough coach but I'm not a mean coach. I don't thrive off of fear from my players.

But if you saw me today, you'd never know.

I lean onto my elbows, pinching the bridge of my nose as I wait for the boys to start trickling out of the locker room. I'm hoping to grab Ryan, apologize.

It took Drew shouting my name for me to realize what I'd done. That losing my temper and patience with Ryan had sent Holt into a panic attack.

I looked down at Ryan at my feet, soaked in sweat, wide eyes filled with alarm and I shook. All the anger draining from me as I stared at him. I remembered looking up at my dad like that. And I had told myself a thousand times I'd never be the monster that he was.

I mumbled a weak apology, one that didn't suffice and went to Holt. The poor kid was shaking, he'd scooted himself up against the bleachers, his head tucked into his chest.

I can't believe that I did that.

It was Drew who managed to bring Holt back to reality. Talking to him, repeating things I should have been but try as I might I was too rattled with myself to comprehend anything.

The door to the locker room clicks open and I watch as some of the boys start to filter out, Ryan among them.

"Ryan!" I call, standing from where I'm seated on the bleachers.

He waves goodbye to the team, redirecting his course to me.

"Yeah Coach?"

I can't look at him, ashamed at myself so I look around the gym instead running my hand through my hair.

"Ryan I-I'm sorry." Shaking my head, I try to push away the anger that wants to boil up within me again. "I don't want to be that kind of coach."

"It's okay." He says. "I know you're not like that."

Normally he's right. But the rate at which I was able to go from stern but kind to screaming in his face is alarming.

"No it's not okay Ryan." I force myself to meet his eyes. "I promise it won't ever happen again."

                           ————————

I pull my truck straight into the empty driveway. Climbing out before I can talk myself out of it.

My heart is slamming in my chest, trying to force its way out of my body. My feet pound into the brick sidewalk that leads to the front door. The entire ride over here I spent yelling at my steering wheel all the things I hope will come out of me when I'm finally face to face with him.

I climb the steps, staring at the door with the decorative wreath hung on it that my mom probably spent too much time fussing over while she made it. If she still does those things. I don't know if she does or not.

My stomach turns a little as nerves rack my body but I raise my clenched fist to the door.

Before I know it I'm rapping my hand against the cold door. The sound reverberating back through my body until every hair is on end.

This for closure.

So I have no regrets and I maybe I can finally let go of some of the anger I've been carrying with me. I'm doing this for my family, for my team.

Footsteps sound behind the door, uneven and heavy before the doorknob jiggles. Time stands still as the door swings open and I'm face to face with the monster from my childhood.