Safe

-42- Smile

Hannah "Birdie" Morrison

"Mint chocolate chip?" I ask as Holt and I walk down the sidewalk.

He tugs his coat closer to his body, nodding his head.

"I'll probably get cookie dough." I tell him. "Seems like a cookie dough kind of day."

I don't exactly know what I mean by that but I'm just trying to get a reaction from Holt. So far none. He's been odd today. More like he was when we first met. But I hold my concern in until after we get our ice cream and settle into a booth.

"Is everything okay?" I say as I lick some of my ice cream into my mouth.

His eyes meet mine, a little panicked but I continue with my task calmly in hopes that it helps calm him. I wait for his standard answer, that he's okay, but as he opens his mouth he clamps it shut again and shakes his head no.

He has my full attention, I recognize this moment. This is one of the rare moments when Holt actually talks.

"Mrs. Lincoln's having a girl." He speaks to his ice cream rather than me.

"She's pregnant?" My mouth gapes at the news.

He nods his head.

"Wow, how far?"

"17 weeks."

I feel excitement build inside me but when I look at Holt all I see is fear and uncertainty.

"Why are you scared?" The question leaves my mouth on its own accord.

He closes his eyes, forehead wrinkled as a shaky breath rumbles his chest. I think I may have lost him to his demons for a moment.

"Holt?"

I hesitate to reach across the table for his hand, my fingers itching to give him comfort but this is Holt. And that doesn't comfort him.

"What if..what if they don't want me anymore?" He asks.

Tears rush to my eyes and I can't help it. Stretching my arm across the table I place my hand on his sweatshirt. His eyes snap open, locking with mine.

"Want to know something about good parents?"

His head nods slightly, the muscles in his arms contracting underneath my palm as he clenches his fingers into a fist.

"I think for most parents, most birth parents, they can't help but love their kids. I'm sure your mom did." I hope I'm not wrong. "But step parents or Kendra and Rhett, they choose to love you. They don't have to but they want to."

My heart hurts at the thought of Barry. Of all the countless times he told me he loved me. All the times I won't get to hear him say it anymore.

"You don't have to be afraid. Good parents have a lot of love to go around." My family is proof.

He slips his arm out from underneath my hand.

"That's what Dr. Aldrich keeps telling me." He says softly.

I smile, retreating my hand back to my side of the table. "You should believe her."

He takes a bite of his ice cream and I do the same. With his mouthful he says "yeah, maybe."

We eat in silence for a few but I'm sure Holt's mind is just as busy as mine is. I'm recounting memories with my parents, biological and step. How blessed I've been to have two sets. Two really amazing sets of parents. How I wish Barry wasn't gone. I wonder if that'll ever get easier, like everyone says, or if that's just a lie they tell people to try and make them feel better. A sort of light at the end of the tunnel just they don't mention the tunnel is never ending.

"Can I ask you something Holt?" He nods his head. "Why do you call them Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln?"

His lips part like he's about to give me an answer but then he just shrugs, taking a bite out of his ice cream.

"They're like, officially, your parents. Why not call them mom and dad?"

"Am I supposed to?" He asks.

A smirk tugs the corners of my face up. "I mean they're your parents so probably."

He watches me for a moment, mulling over my words before he says "but they're not my real parents. You don't call Ava and Barry mom and dad." As soon as he finishes he adds "Sorry".

I think it's because he said Barry's name.

"For the record I'd rather people talk about Barry than not talk about him." I tell him. "But you're right for clarity sake I call Ava and Barry by their names but when it's just my dad and Ava or when it was just my mom and Barry I'd call them mom or dad."

It took me longer to call Ava mom than it did for me to refer to Barry as my dad. I was young when my mom remarried. It was a definitive thing where Barry went from being Barry to being my step dad, signified by a small wedding. Ava was my dad's girlfriend who eventually moved in. And even though I consider her my step mom it was a little more fuzzy on whether or not she was staying for the long haul. She is.

"I've never had a mom or dad before." His voice is quiet as he speaks the words to the table.

"You do now." I smile at him as he lifts his head.

A smile pulls at his face, reaching his eyes. His features soften, and a quiet chuckle tumbles out.

"I'm still getting used to that." He confesses but I can see that he's happy about it.

He's really happy about it.

And then once again words fall out of me without my consent. "I really like your smile."

My eyes widen as soon as my brain processes what I've said and I look down trying to hide the blush that's trying to creep onto my face. My heart starts to pound, the thump, thump, thump echoing in my ears.

But just when I'm about to apologize Holt says "I really like your smile too."

And I look up to see a full fledged smile on his face and I think it's quite possible my heart stops.

————————

I. Can. Not. Stay. Focused. On. This. Story.

For real though, I'm having problems guys. All I want to do is write Drew's book. I open up Safe, scroll all the way down. Open up an unfinished chapter write like a sentence and then my brain goes "Hey you should go see where you left off with Drew". And I go "no, I'm staying focused and writing on Safe so we can have daily updates forever." And then my brain goes "but you know you want too. Just read the last thing you wrote, make sure you actually like it. You're still being productive." And I say "I know all about your trickery! I won't fall for it." And my brain goes "I'm not trying to trick you, I'm trying to help you." To which I start to rationalize what my brain is saying and I'm like "fine just a minute. A quick peek."

And then I get nothing done on Safe. I don't even understand how daily updates are still happening but I'm gonna just roll with it. However if anyone wants to tell my brain to stop being a bad influence I'd greatly appreciate it.