Safe

-31- Falling Apart

4 weeks later

Holt Jacobs

I'm nervous.

My hands stuffed into the pockets of my pants as I slip through the mass of students. I'm hoping to find Birdie first.

Rounding a corner in the junior hall, I spot Birdie with her wild curls and that pink sweatshirt that must be her favorite because she wears it the most.

My chest is tight, my thoughts scattered as I try to suppress his voice in my mind. It keeps screaming at me, telling me this is all a trick. But the Lincoln's keep reassuring me it's not. I'm not sure I believe them yet, maybe I won't until after.

Birdie shifts on her feet, revealing Drew beside her. They've been talking more and more, Drew's been playing ball with us more too. Which is cool because I think Drew and I are friends. At least I hope.

He spots me first, calling out as he nods his head in hello.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this. It's all daunting to me, even more so now that they're both here.

"Hey man what's up?" Drew asks, his knuckles out toward me.

I bump mine to his, unable to muster up any words as Birdie says hi. I try to smile but it never really happens for me.

"You good man?" Drew asks.

I nod my head even though I'm not. I'm still not sure how all of this is real. How this is somehow my life. How I actually got away from him. That I'm about to officially have a family.

"You sure?" He pushes. "You look a little...freaked out."

I take note of my surroundings, Birdie's hazel eyes watching me, Drew's new Nike's he bought the other day while we were hanging out together.

"I-I'm getting adopted." I blurt. "After Christmas."

"What no way!?" Drew's voice escalates with his enthusiasm and he throws an arm around my shoulder. "That's awesome man."

His arm on me makes my skin crawl, my heart slamming in my chest as a memory of him flashes through my mind. I've momentarily slipped to the basement, panic clamping down on my throat and stealing my breath.

But then the weight lifts from my shoulders and a soft voice calls my name just as my surroundings shift and I see soft pink and dark curls as Birdie looks at me with her eyebrows pinched together.

"When?" She asks.

"Right before break is over." I stare at the ground, my heart pounding. "W-will you come? Both of you?"

I look between them, slightly terrified they'll say no. But then Birdie smiles and says "of course" just as Drew shouts "fuck yeah!".

"That's so exciting Holt, I'm really happy for you." Birdie beams at me.

"Yeah dude why are we just hearing about it now?" Drew asks. "We should throw a party that weekend to celebrate."

I start to shake my head but apparently Drew's set in his mind because he calls someone's name and shouts "party at my place over break to celebrate this guy! Spread the word!"

And just like that the announcement starts a ripple effect through the school.

"This is gonna be great!" Drew's arm lands on my shoulders again as he pulls me into some sort of a hug but my mind is racing off with panic. "I'll take care of everything man."

And then he's gone, bouncing down the hallway.

"You okay?" Birdie asks.

I look at her with wide eyes as I try to tell myself that I'm in school, that in less than two weeks I'll no longer be in the system. That I won't be able to be sent back.

Swallowing hard, Dr. Aldrich's voice on repeat in my head telling me to breathe in for four and out for four.

"I-I can't go to a party." I tell her.

She starts to walk and I fall into step beside her. "Why not?"

Well it's part of his rules. Technically I'm not supposed to even have friends. But I'm not exactly sure how to explain it to her so I stay silent.

"I'll talk to Drew, okay?" Birdie offers and I nod my head.

She isn't the same anymore. She isn't as open, as free as she was before her step dad passed. Her smile isn't as quick to come, it isn't as big. Even on the court, playing a game she loves she isn't the same. There isn't happiness and joy pouring out of her anymore.

"Are you?" She looks at me confused so I add "okay?".

And she does what she's been doing for the past four weeks. She tries to force a smile on her face as she says "yeah, I'm fine."

I haven't pushed it. Mostly because I'm probably not the one to. I'm not really equipped to help anyone. But I hate seeing Birdie sad, I hate seeing the hurt in her eyes. I hate that she's trying to hide it.

"It's okay." I whisper it, not really confident in the advice I'm about to repeat. "To not be okay."

Instantly her eyes pool with tears and I feel awful for making that happen. And I'm aware that this is probably a time when I should offer her a hug but the thought of having someone's arms around me makes my stomach queasy.

"It's just...it's not fair." She says. "Why me? Why when my mom is already sick? Why do I have to be the one to lose my parents?"

I don't have any of those answers. In fact I've asked myself a lot of them over the years and they're still unanswered.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry Holt." Her hand wipes at the tears that have managed to get away. "You don't even know who you're real parents are."

I shrug my shoulders. "Doesn't matter."

Most everyone has filtered out of the hallway, making their way toward the classrooms. But Birdie has stopped and so have I and even though I know I shouldn't be late, I can't bring myself to leave while she's crying.

"How does it not?" She asks.

I stare at the white Reebok's she has on because I think what I'm about to say is going to sound terrible.

"I-I didn't know them." I tell her. "My mom died before I was one. I honestly don't remember her at all. And I never even knew who my dad was. Found out his name when my grandpa died but he was already in jail." Raising my head slightly I look at Birdie but she's just watching me, waiting for me to go on. "The Lincoln's are the closest thing I've ever had to parents."

Birdie reaches out and grabs my hand, I count my breath, focusing on her rather than the feel of her skin against mine even as I hear his voice whisper in my mind.

"I sound so ungrateful. I'm sorry." She murmurs, her cheeks tinted ever so slightly.

But I shake my head. "No, what I'm trying to say is, my real parents, the fact that they're not here, doesn't make me sad really. I never knew them and I'm okay about it. But the Lincoln's, if-if I lost them...I'd be devastated."

Without Mrs. Lincoln I wouldn't be okay.

I'm still trying to navigate how I feel about Mr. Lincoln. If I can really trust him.

She still has a hold of my hand. I'm trying to keep my mind here but the longer she keeps it the harder it becomes until I can't stand it and pull my hand away.

"Sorry." I mumble, dropping my eyes so she doesn't see my face flush.

She doesn't acknowledge it, maybe she's too consumed with her grief or maybe she's just come to expect it of me but she breezes past it saying, "I just feel like my world is falling apart".

                               ————————

Confession time. Every time I get notifications that someone has added Surviving Cancer to their list or someone starts liking and commenting, I want to unpublish it. Sort of hate that story these days.