Safe

-22- Thankful

Kendra Lincoln

I'm trying not to hover but I can't help it. I just want to make sure he's okay.

He's in the family room with Ari and Mia. The girls are playing some dance video game, Holt's sitting on the couch watching.

"Time to eat." I announce.

Holt's the first to respond, silently shoving himself off the couch. The girls keep playing.

"This songs almost over." Mia says.

"We'll be right there." Ari follows.

I smile at Holt, aware of how immensely different he is from them. They have no fear, they've only ever known love.

"Come on." I tell Holt quietly. "Let's go sit down. They'll be along in a minute."

He nods, following after me as I navigate our way through Meghan's house. The noise increases as we reach the formal dining room, a massive table swallowing the majority of the room. Most everyone is there, laughing and loud. I've never realized how boisterous we all could get until now. Until Holt.

He glances at me nervously and my heart aches for him. "It's okay."

"Kenny! Honey, I put you three down here by me." My mom shouts over everyone else.

I can't help but cringe slightly, sneaking a glance at Holt who stiffens beside me. I head for the opposite end of the table, trying to lead Holt through the less crowded side but I know for a fact my Uncle Paul is an unmovable rock and there's no way we are going to slip past without bumping into him.

Rhett's waiting for us, a smile on his face. He loves the holidays and he loves when our families are able to come together.

"I'm starving." Rhett says as we finally reach him but I'm more concerned about Holt.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

He looks overwhelmed and flighty but he nods his head.

"Have a seat."

He sits in the chair I've gestured at just as my mom reenters the room and claps her hands loudly together.

"Is everyone here!? Sit down!" She bellows over the rest. Ari and Mia come scrambling into the dining room colliding with their older cousin Matt, who's holding his newborn. "Sit, sit!"

It takes a moment but chairs are pulled out and everyone finds their way into them. Rhett sits beside me, Holt on my other side. I squeeze Rhett's hand, watching as the table cloth shakes beside me from Holt's leg.

"Alright, everyone calm down." My mom says taking a seat at the head of the table, Holt's to her right. "Let's get on with it so we can eat."

The noise drops several decimals and I breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe without all the chaos for a few minutes Holt can relax a little.

"I'm thankful for my beautiful family and our new additions. My health and many more wonderful years to come." My mom announces, turning to my sister's husband Chris.

"I'm thankful for my job, my wife and our girls, and the Lions." He says the same thing every year and we all chuckle at it.

Meghan looks at me. "I'm thankful my sister is here."

I know it's a dig at how distant I've been. Even after Meghan saw Holt, she still hasn't been as understanding as I'd hoped. She's gotten a little better. But nothing to write home about.

We move to my Uncle Paul and Aunt Jen who both are over the moon for their new great grandson. Their daughter Christine, my cousin, and her husband Josh are also thankful for the baby that their son Matt is holding. Matt and his girlfriend Lacey are thankful for a number of things. Their son, the help from family, sleep. And we continue on through Rhett's parents who have joined us, and onto Mia and then Ari.

"I'm thankful for my boyfriend Brody, my new iPhone and my new car." Ari says.

"You don't have a new car." Mia comments.

"It's called positive thinking Mia." Ari rolls her eyes. "Besides my birthday's coming up and I've only been asking for like ever."

The adults all chuckle, except for me. I'm glad my niece lives a privileged life, that she'll never know what it truly means to need. But her lack of gratefulness seems heightened because of the boy sitting next to me.

"Alright, Alright." Rhett intercepts the conversation. "My turn. I'm thankful for Kendra. And I'm thankful for our son Holt and our family. Oh and basketball."

He squeezes my hand beneath the table and I know that by family he means our baby that we haven't announced also. Our little baby that I'm so grateful continues to grow everyday. But I'm still terrified it might change.

Everyone shifts their focus to me, I clear my throat, my emotions welling upside me and I can tell I'm one word away from crying.

"I am thankful for everyone at this table and our family that couldn't be here with us today. I'm thankful for Rhett, for always standing by my side and being the loving and patient man that he is. But mostly I am thankful for Holt, for coming into our lives and making our dream of having a family come true."

"You're so sappy." Meghan teases me because of course my eyes have filled with tears and everyone can see them.

"Not all of us can be so stoic with their emotions." I toss back.

Conversation erupts across the table again before my mom reels it back in. "Enough! We still have one more before we can eat. Holt dear, what are you thankful for?"

He grows still next to me, the tablecloth no longer bouncing from his leg.

"You don't have to Holt." I whisper beside him.

But he shakes his head, his eyes down. "It's okay."

He says it so quietly, so pained that I almost don't give him the choice and announce that we're done sharing what we're thankful for but just as I open my mouth Holt speaks up louder.

"I-I'm thankful for finally having a..." he swallows hard. "A family."

He lifts his head, looking up at Rhett and I. I mean to hold it together but between the hormones and how I'd normally react even if I wasn't pregnant I can't stop the tears that gush from my eyes as I blubber happily. I want to wrap him up in my arms and give him all the love that he's been missing but I restrain myself and settle for a pat on his arm.

He looks terrified but a small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth.

                             ————————

Who's done Christmas shopping? I am! Most of my presents are wrapped too. Now I'm just waiting on Amazon to ship one more thing and I can officially chill out.