Safe

-54- Bravado

Hannah "Birdie" Morrison

Kendra greets me at the door, pulling me into a hug like she always does when I see her.

"It's freezing, get in here." She smiles at me, I tell her "thanks" as I step in.

Slipping out of my shoes, I tuck them off to the side by Holt's and hang my coat on the coat hanger. Kendra waits for me like she always does.

"He should just be getting out of the shower." She tells me. "They just got back from playing some basketball together."

"Holt said Rhett's pretty good." I smile, following her into the kitchen.

Well he nodded anyway.

She offers me a glass of water and I slide onto a barstool, noticing swatches of fabric in a heap beside a laptop.

"Rhett is loving it." Kendra says warmly before noticing that I'm looking at the pink fabrics. She adds, "I thought I should start thinking about the nursery."

Taking a seat beside me, her hands cupped around a glass of something warm, she spreads the fabrics out.

"What one's do you like?"

I finger through them, selecting one that has white polka dots on a soft pink background. The color reminds me of my own bedroom.

"My room is this color." I tell her.

"I like it too." Her hand finds her stomach, it's finally swollen enough that it's straining the material of her shirt slightly.

She sets the swatch on the keyboard of the laptop and asks "How's your mom doing?"

The mention of my mom makes me smile. "She's good. All her check ups have been good, they're talking about finishing out the month of treatment and then she'd be done with chemo."

"That's great news." Kendra's smile nearly matches my own and I wonder how someone can care so much about someone they've never met. "I'm so happy to hear that."

"Yeah, so are we."

It's been a relief every time my mom goes to the doctor and every time they keep saying there's no new developments. That between surgery and chemo, it seems as though we may have beaten it, I feel weight lift from my shoulders. It's a little easier to smile, to laugh.

I can't lose my mom too.

Kendra looks to the entryway of the kitchen, Blue padding in a moment later.

"Holt must be out of the shower." She says.

I greet Blue for a moment before he abandons me for a drink of water from his bowl. Kendra and I watch him as he does, both of us silent, transfixed on the dog so much so we miss the sound of Holt until he clears his throat.

"Hi." He says quietly.

Slipping off the stool, I greet him with "hey". Kendra offers to let Blue outside before I lead the way to Holt's room.

"How was ball with your old man?" I ask, tossing the question out over my shoulder.

Holt's room is immaculate, just like the first time I ever I saw it. His busted down basketball shoes still in the same place, peaking out from under the bed.

"Good." Holt says. I can hear his smile in his voice. "I beat him."

I laugh. "I'm not surprised. I don't know if you know this Holt, but you're amazing."

Sitting down on his bed, my eyes meet his. And that's when I realize what I've said. My heart starts to pound as I look at his stunned face, he's frozen in the doorway and I feel the need to back track.

"At basketball." I hurry. "Amazing at basketball."

My cheeks burn and I stare at my lap, embarrassed. Holt is amazing. At basketball. And just because he's Holt. He has these moments where he can be so bold even amongst his fears or how he seems so in tune with everyone, able to read their emotions easily. Like when I found out about my mom. I like that he's patient and gentle and kind.

He reminds me of all my dad's good qualities, without the less desirable ones. Like his temper.

I wonder if Holt can even get mad.

"I-I'm not amazing Birdie." Holt says quietly.

He's left his door open slightly. I open my mouth to give him some whatever nonsense about how I was definitely talking about only basketball but it's obvious he realizes that I don't just mean basketball. I mean him. In general.

"Yes you are." I tell him.

He shakes his head, his brown eyes meeting mine.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" I'm not even sure what he's apologizing for.

He looks away, clearing his throat before he says "what happened between you and Ty?"

I'm completely confused at his string of thoughts. I'm even more confused as to why he's bringing up Ty.

"Nothing." Almost nothing.

His head bobs as he stuffs both his hands into the pockets of his joggers he's wearing.

"He likes you. A lot."

A laugh bursts out of me, somewhere between amused and annoyed. I'm not sure which one I feel more.

"Did he tell you to say that?" I ask, staring at Holt like I might be able to force the answers that I want from him with my eyes alone. "He's ridiculous."

Holt looks back at me, regarding me cautiously and I let out a sigh to release the tension that's building inside me.

"I kissed him." I blurt. "The night of the accident." A memory of sitting in his car, the shadows masking his features as I reached across the console and kissed him flashes through my mind. "But I don't like him, not like that."

"Why not?"

He asks the question so quickly, so confidently for a moment it almost feels like anyone else rather than Holt standing there. But it is him. His lanky body hidden underneath a hoodie, his dark hair that's been recently cut but still shaggy and unkempt, his brown eyes filled with things I wonder if I'll ever understand. Timid and watchful but a force as soon as he steps onto the court. Thoughtful and brave. Brave enough to trust me after whatever it is he's been through.

So I decide to be brave too.

"Because I like someone else." I say.

He swallows hard. "Who?"

And then all the bravado I was hoping to keep rushes from me as I whisper "you".

                            ————————

I did it! I did it! Yay me!