Before You Go [N.H]

Chapter Two: Christmas - Tree

Lucy's POV

After Niall left with his friends yesterday, Jamie, Danny, Ro and I went back to our houses and I spent the night and Jamie's. This morning, after incessant begging, I let Jamie come with me back home. But as soon as we walk through the door, the awaited speech begins.

'What? You still haven't decorated for Christmas? No! You promised! You promised me that you'll decorate your house! It'll make you feel more cheerful! It's Christmas for god's sake! The best time of the year! The least you could do is get a tree and decorate it.'

'Oh well, too late now. Can't possibly find a tree so close.'

'Why are you doing this?'

'Doing what?' I sigh falling on the sofa, soon after, she sits next to me.

'Giving up on everything. You used to love Christmas! Remember when you made us do secret Santa two years ago? And insisted we all do a sleepover on Christmas Eve last year even though Danny and his ex clearly had other plans for the night? What changed now? It feels like you're giving up on us. On me... You never talk to me anymore! Only when I talk to you. I literally have to pull the words out of you to know what's wrong. And even then you only say vague things! Like I ask you what's wrong, you say "Everything" or "what isn't?" How am I supposed to help you if you don't let me in anymore?'

I can see the tears in her eyes, and it's breaking my heart so I just look away, focus on an empty spot on the wall. Of course, I love my friends. And I hate having to push them away like that. And I miss them so fucking much. But they keep wanting to help me and I don't want help. I'm way beyond being helped. There's nothing that can be done to fix me. I'm messed up, hopeless and pointless. Nothing I do or be will make any difference. The world will still turn like nothing happened if I wasn't born in the first place. Even my friends. Even the lives I so-called affected. If I wasn't born, they would've met someone else who would've been just as good if not better.

'Baby, I know you're hurting. And I know there's nothing we can do right now to fix it. It's not gonna get better in one night. It takes time. I know you're depressed. Maybe I don't know what it feels like. Not at the level you're at anyway. But I can imagine how hard it is for you. But I know you. I know how strong you are. And I know that you will make it out of this. But you can't just give up like that.' She says cupping my cheek.

'What's the point huh?' I pull away from her touch.

'If you think some huge miracle will fall on you and your life will suddenly get better your wrong.'

'I know that!'

'I'm not done! That's not the point! You're waiting and waiting! For something to change! Well, it's not! Not by sitting here, locked up in your house and not doing anything!'

'You don't think I tried to change things? I'm so fucking tired because I've been trying to figure my shit out for years! And every time I thought I found myself, it gets taken away, or I realise that I'm actually wrong! I'm fucking tired, Jamie!'

She lets out a deep breath, 'I know that babe, but you need an attitude change. I know you're tired. But you can't just give up.'

'An attitude change.'

'You need to embrace the little things. You want to have some downtime, to stop actively trying to find a purpose, fine. But that shouldn't stop you from being alive. There's so much to look forward to in a day or a week even if in the long run you don't get anything useful out of it. Having a drink with your friends, laughing with them. That alone is a precious moment of small happiness you're ignoring. Okay, maybe it's temporary happiness that will fade out fast like you described it. But It doesn't change that it's a happy moment. Getting a Christmas tree, decorating it. You think it's silly and pointless, but the activity alone will cheer you up. And then getting to look at it every day for the next few weeks, you know it will cheer you up. It'll give you something to celebrate, something to be happy about. But you don't want to be happy. It's not that you can't like you believe it is. It's that you choose not to be. Every day, you wake up and decide that you're not gonna be happy today, that you will avoid and push away anything that will give you any sort of happiness.'

'Jeez! Fine! If you want me to get a tree, let's get a tree! You don't need to get all Dr Phil on me!'

'Thankfully, I specialise in Lucy language, and my translator says this means "You're right Jamie, I'm gonna listen to your advice! Thank you, you're the best I love you so much!" I know. I know. I'm the best. And I love you too. Now let's call in the cavalry.'

She takes her phone and dials someone.

'Danny! Hey, are you and Ro home? Great, I need a favour. We're decorating her house for Christmas! I know right! Better late than never! So yeah, can you get the tree for us while we go shopping for the rest? Really? Thank you! You're a lifesaver! Yeah, see you soon! Bye!' She hangs up and turns to me. 'Danny's cousin still has some trees that he's selling. So they'll pick that up, and we'll meet here after you and I are done shopping for the decorations.'

So we go to the mall, and even though it's so crowded that I'm really uncomfortable and just want to go back home, Jamie is right. The little things matter and I don't like upsetting her. Besides, a tree won't do any harm right? I do love Christmas. But it doesn't mean anything if I don't spend it with the people I love. And if I didn't this year that would be on me, because I'm the one pushing them away. They're not abandoning me. Sure the guys give me some space, but I know that they're there for me if I ask.

An hour and a half later, we got everything we need. From anything, you can possibly hang on the tree including the star that goes on top, to lights, tinsels, wreaths, and even stockings.  We arrive back to my house just in time to let the boys in with the tree that is almost reaching the ceiling of the sitting room.

'So does that mean you're hosting Christmas Eve this year?' Ro asks with hope in his eyes.

'Did you really expect it any other way?' Jamie chuckles.

'I mean... I guess not. But it was cutting it kinda close there...'

'But she's back now so no need to keep reminding her!' She mutters.

'Guys! I'm in the room I can hear you! I'm not completely back yet, but I'm trying.'

'That's all we're asking for!' Danny adds.

'So what's the plan?' Ro asks.

'Right... Umm... Danny, you're in charge of dessert.' I start.

'Really? You're giving me the hardest thing! I'm not a pastry chef!' He complains making me laugh.

'I meant, you buy it...'

'Oh, right. I can do that yeah!' He cheers.

'Ro, since you're half decent in the kitchen, you get the mashed potatoes and whatever else you know how to do. Jamie and I will take care of the turkey, the stuffing and everything else so you better be here early!'

'Aye aye, Captain!' They both tease.

'Oh, shut up! You should be glad I'm doing this again!'

But before anyone can answer my phone starts ringing. I look at the unknown number that shows up and hesitate to answer but I end up picking up the call.

'Hello?'

'Hey! It's Niall! From last night? Am I interrupting?'