Before You Go [N.H]

10.4 - Stay - Strong

Lucy's POV

'You know? This is very unnecessary!'

'What is?' He asks me.

'All the secrecy? Niall, we've been together for a year now. I'm sorry to say but you've slightly become predictable.'

'What?' He worries.

'Not in a bad way. In a comforting way. I do appreciate the effort, but I don't need to be constantly surprised or swept off my feet.'

'Okay, well if you're so smart and you think you know me so well, where are we going?' He challenges me.

'It's our anniversary. A few weeks before Christmas. You have sentimental values and attachment for certain places where something meaningful happened. So, and confirmed by the neighbourhood we're in right now, you're taking me to the same Christmas Market where we had our first date.'

'So you do admit that it was a date.' He smirks.

'Of course, it was a date.'

'I'm so proud of how far you've come! Do you realise how much has changed since then?'

'No? Okay, so I'm not depressed anymore. I'm quite satisfied with what I've done with my life. But aside from that, nothing has changed? I'm still as fucked up as ever.'

'You're doing it again. You always only see the negative side. Why can't you just think of how you beat depression? How about thinking of how you found something that'd driving you. That you discovered writing. Why only focus on that one thing?'

'I don't know. I try to be optimistic but it's tiring. I guess I'm just not wired that way.'

'I'm not gonna argue with you. Not today. Not here. Let's just enjoy Christmas okay?'

'You're the one who opened the subject...' I mumble rolling my eyes and playfully pushing him.

He laughs and then holds my hand and takes me to the first stand we see that sells food. We jump around from one stand to the other, try some of the games that are there, take a few pictures of all the decorations and the lights. Then we come across a wall with lots of post-its on it. The wall was divided in two, on the left the things we're thankful for this Christmas and over the past year and on the other side what we'd wish for. Niall convinces me to do it, and I agree as long as we don't get to read what the other writes. So I pick up two different coloured post-its and write on the blue one, "I'm thankful for my friends and family for always sticking by me especially when I was unbearable to be around. But most importantly I'm thankful for having met Niall because he helped me to believe in myself more, love myself more, accept myself more."

As a person, I've always tried my best to be kind towards everyone, even the strangers. Because you never know what a person could be going through, and a simple smile can go a long way. But I realised that while we do treat people respectfully and spread love and kindness, we're always the harshest towards ourselves. We mistreat our bodies, our mind, we convince ourselves things that most probably aren't true. I don't know why we do that. But I know that I need to try my best to stop doing that to myself. I deserve love, I deserve to live, and I deserve to be happy. And I need to stop standing in the way of my own happiness.

Which brings us to what I wrote on the second post-it. "I wish, in the new year, for nothing but love and health for me, everyone that I love and everyone else."

'What did you write?' I ask Niall in a baby voice and a pout.

'I'm not telling you! That was the deal.' I argue and he just chuckles and then holds me close and kisses my forehead. 

'But I do have a question though.' He adds.

'Yeah?'

'Remember at the beginning of our relationship every time we hang out for a long time, you'd disappear in your old flat for a while and I wouldn't see you for days. And then I understood that going out a lot and being in public or with people for a large period of time exhausted you and that you'd need some time alone to like... to recharge your batteries or something.'

'Yeah? What about it?'

'Well, we live together now. Granted it's a big house. But we've been together a lot. Don't you feel the need to be alone, away from me? Because if you do, I completely understand. But I'm just wondering cause it doesn't really feel like you want to anymore.'

'Huh, never really thought about that before. Yeah, I guess hanging out with you doesn't really seem like being with people. Like it's us you know?'

'But, I mean you lived with Jamie before. Do you feel the same with her?'

'Don't get me wrong. I love her to pieces. But even Jamie after a while, she's too much. Even with Jamie, I need a break. There's this thing I used to do. I used to feel bad about it but then she caught on and it became like a silent agreement. There's this band that she couldn't stand and for absolutely no reason but I liked them. So I'd blast their songs and she'd get so annoyed that she'd just leave the flat.'

'She'd literally leave the flat? Just because of some song? Wow!'

'Yeah, she gets a bit dramatic sometimes.'

'So with me, it's different?'

'Yeah... I guess I don't really think of you as a person anymore. You're a part of me. After a long day at work, all I want is come home to you, not go home so that I can be alone. I don't mind you being there. I can be alone with you and that is more than enough to detox from socialising too much with people all day.'

'That really makes me happy. Also kinda relieved. With all the people coming over for Christmas dinner. Between my friends and yours. I was worried I'd have to sleep in the guest room.'

'Nah don't worry. I'm actually looking forward to it. I miss everyone. It'll be easier to see everyone at once than be busy with visits for a whole week.'

Niall's POV

And so I watch her as she gracefully sets the table while chatting with Tara and Addy, Introducing Deo to Roman and Danny pitting them against each other for supporting different football teams. Convincing Deo's girlfriend to add some more chicken to her already full plate. I watch her as she's laughing, how she lights up and blushes and get all shy and silent whenever someone compliments her cooking. I'm thankful for having her in my life. Before she came alone I was bitter, I sort of gave up on trying to give my life any meaning to it. But then I met her. Yes, it was a shot at redemption. She helped me forgive myself. We always lose it when we don't have control over what's going on around us. But that's never gonna stop. No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we kid ourself. We do not have control. Some things just happen. And sometimes it's really bad. But it's not our fault. As long as we keep faith in ourself and have hope that everything will be okay or is okay. As long as we accept ourself and stop being afraid to lean on the people who love us and would support us through anything. If we just stop taking everything that's great for granted and be kinder to each other. 

She came into my life and gave it back its colours. I love her so much. But I can't help but worry about her. That will never change.  I do realise that there will be bad days. And I've been trying to avoid going back to travelling for work because I'm scared. Every time I leave her something bad happens. And I can't always bring her with me. But I can't let the fear of losing her get in the way of us being happy. Yes, I'm scared, I'm terrified of losing her.  But I'm trying my best to not let it get to me. I don't want my insecurities and my fear to make her believe that she's not a regular person. My fears are on me not on her. 

So my only wish, for the next year and all the years to come, is that I'll always be able to stop her from going over the edge. My only wish is never having to say the words "Before You Go" because she won't go. She'll stay with me forever until we grow old together. That's my only wish. For her to Stay.

THE END