Before You Go [N.H]

Chapter Nine: Roadtrip - Cemetery

Niall's POV

As we're driving back home from the train station I keep thinking about everything that happened. Everything that is going to happen. My future with the love of my life. She's the one. I believe that now. But before I can move on, there's someone I gotta talk to for the first time in a while.

'Hey, are you okay? What's on your mind?' Lucy asks while lightly rubbing my thigh in comfort.

'Yeah. I'm good.' I reassure her with a light squeeze. 'Would it be okay if we make a stop before we go home? I'd drive you home and go on my own but I don't think I can get myself to go there if you're not with me.'

'Sure! Where are we going?'

'The umm ... the cemetery...'

'What at night? Really?'

'I can't go home before doing this. It has to be now. You don't have to get out of the car though.'

'Alright. Who's there?'

'Huh?'

'In the cemetery. Who are you going for?'

'Oh... May... I've never been to her grave. Never dealt with it. Not really. Never got closure. I need to do this.'

'Okay. Do what you need to do. I'll be right here.'

'Thank you.'

'Just come back to me in one piece, yeah?' She chuckles.

'I love you.' I tell her kissing her hand before turning off the car and head into the dark and slightly creepy place.'

I follow the trail of headstones until I find the one with her name written on it. I feel my heart break reading her name here. All those emotions I didn't deal with just come rushing up and I can barely stand on my feet anymore. Hesitantly, I sit next to her grave and rest my head on the cold stone. I don't hold back and let the tears flow freely.

'I'm sorry...' I sob as I lightly rub my finger on the headstone as if it was her. As if she was here and I was cuddling with her, running my fingers through her hair.

'I'm sorry it took me this long to get here. I'm sorry I'm always this slow. I couldn't save you when you were still here. I didn't even know you needed saving. And now, you lay here, resting. And I couldn't get myself to come to see you. I'm sorry I've always been so selfish. I know it needs to stop and I intend to make sure it does. I'm gonna stop being selfish. But I have to be for a few more minutes. I'm sorry May. I'm sorry if I had anything to do with what got you here. I really miss you. And I loved you, nothing is gonna change that. Nothing will make it stop being true. But I'm sorry May. You chose to go, and I'm still here. I'm sorry I have to move on, but I found an amazing girl. She needs me and I need her. I love her and she loves me. I promise you she's not replacing you. But I just... I need to move on. There's still a lot of time left. A lot more than I thought I had before. I was holding back. Because of you. Because I was feeling guilty. Because I didn't want to move on. I thought moving on meant that I was okay with what you did. But it doesn't. And I'm not. Of course, I'm not. How could I be? Losing you was the worst thing I had gone through. I wish you were still here. I do. But you're not. And she is. And I need to be with her. I want to be with her. I hope you're in a better place right now. I don't really know what comes after death. But wherever you are, I hope you're resting. I hope you're at peace. Down here, things can get ugly. And it messes with our head. Not everyone figures it out, not everyone finds their way to happiness, peacefulness. But I'll never give up. I'll keep running after it. And right now, I'm sorry, but I think I'm closer than ever to finding it with her. I'm sorry May but I have to move on. I have to let you go. And now I don't know if you can hear me... if you're still around... and I do realise there's no way of you answering... But I just have to ask. Would it be okay if I move on?'