Before You Go [N.H]

Chapter Three - Night - Advice

Niall's POV

'What, you forgot the number of the golf channel or did you forget how to turn on the tv?' Deo asks me coming into the sitting room and putting on Netflix.

'What's wrong?' He asks me after I didn't respond to his previous question. 'Mate! What's going on?' He asks a little louder.

'Lucy...' I sigh.

'Who's Lucy? Oh wait, is she the girl from the bar from yesterday? Was that your date tonight? That's awesome!! Isn't it? What, didn't it go well? Mate! Just talk to me! Are you feeling bad about moving on from May? Because it's okay. She would want you to move on.'

'It's not that... I'm worried about her...'

'Who? May? She's not gonna come back and hunt you!' He chuckles and I roll my eyes at him.

'No! I'm talking about Lucy!'

'What's wrong with Lucy?'

'She's this amazing person, she's the perfect representation of light. She's so cute and pure. And so god damn beautiful even though she's not trying hard. Probably why anyway. She's so full of life. It's just amazing to be around her. And she always manages to surprise me with the things she does.

'So where's the problem?'

'She's depressed. Says she's beyond help.'

'Oh...'

'I'm just trying to figure out a plan. To make her see all that the world has to offer. Restore her faith in everything, anything. I just can't stand there and do nothing.'

'Or you can just leave it alone. There's a lot of other girls.'

'What the fuck? I'm not leaving her just because she's sick!'

'Why are you doing this to yourself? It's not gonna make May come back you know.'

'What are you talking about?'

'I mean you're obviously trying to fix what happened to May with Lucy!!'

'What do you mean?'

'Ugh, sometimes I don't even know why I bother with you.'

'Because you live with me rent free?' I tease him trying to change the subject because I'm not comfortable with him bringing up May.

'And because we're cousins and I love you and want what's best for you.'

'And Lucy is not it? What's best for me, that is.' I argue.

'What? I never said that! I'm just saying you're using her and that could only end badly.'

'How the fuck am I using her?' I ask, shocked to hear the words coming from him.

'You're feeling guilty. Because with May, you didn't see it coming, and you couldn't do anything to stop it. So now, to make up for that. You're doing with Lucy what you think you should've done with May. But it doesn't work that way. That's not gonna achieve anything.'

'It could save a life!' I shout.

'In exchange for what? You spend more time together, go on more dates. She will fall in love with you, you won't because you'd be thinking of May the entire time. And then when she is better, you'll break her heart and that will leave her worse than before. And this time that blood will be on your hands. So I'm telling you. Let it go. Leave it alone.'

'But...' I start protesting but then I think about it.

Maybe there's some truth to that. I don't want to hurt Lucy more than she already is. I don't know what to do. I kinda wanna stay close to her. But am I being selfish? She does make me feel better. And I do feel better when I make her smile. But maybe Deo is right. Maybe it's not as straightforward as that. Maybe subconsciously this has something to do with the death of May. How can I know for sure? I'm sick and tired of the pain, whether its mine or everyone else's.

But I don't want to give up on Lucy either. What if me doing that make her feel worse? I don't know what to do. But I know who to ask. Someone who will understand all this. Deo and I... Even Conor, sure we had our bad days, bad weeks even, but I don't think we've been depressed like that before. But I know someone who has. 

I get up and go into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I pull out my phone and video call Julia.

'Floof!!' He cheers as soon as she sees my face.

'Hules!! Miss ya! How've you been?'

'Good! Good! What about you? I wanted to call you yesterday to check up on you... considering... but I totally spaced out! I'm so sorry.'

'Umm, it's okay. And about that. Well not exactly about that. But I need to catch you up because I don't know what to do now.'

'Yeah? Tell me! What's up?'

And then I tell her everything I know about Lucy from the past two days. How I met her, how I see her, how she behaves, what she looks like, her smile, her laugh, her childlike amazement during our time down at the Christmas Market. But I also told her about all the signs that I noticed that I failed to see when I was with May even though they were right in front of me. Skipping meals, sudden moments of silence and zoning out from her part, her anxiety when there are too many people, or when we were alone in my car. How she kept looking out the window, as if I wasn't even there, not moving, not even an inch. And of course isolating herself from her friends, which she admitted herself. And for someone who loves Christmas as much as she does, her leaving the decoration to the very last minute, something must be seriously bringing her down. 

'I don't know what to do Julia. Do I stay? Do I leave? I don't want to give up on her. I want to help her. But if me being there will end up hurting her... I don't know... What do I do? Tell me what to do!'

'I don't know what to tell you, Niall. I mean you're obviously comparing her to May. Look each person goes through depression differently. It's not because May used to skip meals that means if Lucy didn't eat on time then she's the same. She told you, she had a late breakfast and then you saw her eat as much food as you. So that's not an issue. I think if you want to be there for her and help her, you need to get to know her. How she's going through it, what's her own specific symptoms and triggers, and how can you help avoid them or help her recover from them. Each human is different and you need to remember that. I don't think you should leave her. Especially that you really like her.'

'Deo seems to think that I'm just projecting my feelings for May on Lucy.'

'Deo doesn't know shit. I remember the late-night talks we used to have. You gushing over how amazing May was. And I see how you're gushing over Lucy. If you were projecting then it would be a lot of the same elements. But it's really not. I think there's potential here. But if you're not sure, then distance yourself from her for a few days. See how you react. If you miss her and can't think about her, then there's a shot. If you just revert back to how you were three days ago, then just explain it to her then either be friends with her or just move on.'

'It's all really...' I take a deep breath, not being able to pinpoint what I'm feeling to a single word.

'Overwhelming?'

'Yeah!!'

'Give yourself a break. Feelings are not easy. And what you went through is a tragedy. It's okay to take your time in this. It is the first time you're interested in someone new since then. It's okay to feel doubt. You just have to give yourself a break. And take each day at a time.'

'Day by day. I can do that. Thanks, Hules! I knew I could count on you.'

'Of course!! Just take a few days off. And then be honest with her. It's all gonna be fine.'

'Thank you. I think I'm gonna go for a walk.'

'Okay. Text me if you need anything. Bye!'