The Fear Of Faith [2]

42. Cal

'We have to go after her!' Tiffany said, heading for the door.

'No, don't,' I said, making her stop. 'She needs time alone.'

'She's blaming herself for the complete failure of your relationship,' she said. 'You have to go after her!'

'No, Tiffany,' I repeated. 'She needs to be on her own to help her think rationally, that's how she works. When she's alone with her thoughts, she gains a better understanding of them and she'll come back once she's calmed down.'

'Cal, you two fought for so much,' she said, pacing over to me. 'Everybody in The Falls judged you for years, including myself! She came along and accepted you right away even when you were awful to her! She made you realise you could have a life with someone and you fell in love with her. You saved her from that fucking asshole and pulled her back! Remember all of this and ask yourself why you're walking away over a silly little kiss!'

I stared at her as she stopped yelling at me and stared back, her words making me nod slowly. When I looked at it from that perspective, everything we had went though that made us stronger sure did outweigh the weaknesses our relationship had.

'She is sorry,' she continued. 'She was drunk and emotional after talking on the phone to you because her head was all over the place with what was happening. She kissed him without thinking; do you seriously think it meant anything to her?'

'No, I don't,' I admitted.

'So why are you going to leave everything behind over that?' she asked. 'I understood why you were leaving when you thought you were over for good but she's made it clear to you that she still wants to be with you. It's a simple decision, Cal.'

'I know,' I replied.

'Forget about the kiss!' she said. 'She didn't cheat on you and she never would! She's just going through all of this too, just like you. I know you say you wouldn't have done that, but you would react by kicking somebody's head in and getting arrested, behaviour Bethan would disagree with; we all have our own ways of acting out and doing stupid things because we're angry or upset. She just did the one thing that's hurt you badly but she didn't mean to and she's sorry.'

'Okay, Tiffany, I get it,' I said, abruptly. 'Stop making me feel bad.'

'You need to decide what you want,' she said.

'Oh my god, it's her, obviously!' I cried, gripping my hair as I closed my eyes and dropped my head back.

'But you just let her run away,' she said.

'She needs time to digest it all,' I told her. 'When she comes back, I'll make sure I let her know that I don't blame her. It's not all her fault.'

'You guys are strong, you can work on this and come back from it,' she said.

I took a deep breath in and out as I asked myself in my head if I could so easily grab my things, pack them in my car and leave right now. The answer was no. She was holding me back; the unfinished business and the sickening feeling at leaving her here was holding me back.

'She loves you,' Tiffany said. 'She wants to spend her life with you. I know you do too. She fucked up. Who the hell hasn't at some point in time?'

I sighed and dropped my head before looking back up to her. 'You're right.'

'I am?' she asked, her face lighting up.

'She's the love of my life,' I sighed. 'How can I leave her behind and go back to my old life? I never had a life until I met her.'

'Oh, Cal,' she said, looking at me sympathetically. 'It should be her you're saying this to, not me.'

'Fuck, I have no idea where she'll go,' I said, trying to think of the next step.