Rebel

Hi

So.

I've been sad.

And I'm completely lost.

But it's fine I guess! I decided I'm gonna delete my social media (like in a couple of minutes) and try new things.

So, why am I here right now talking to a damn book?

Let me explain.

If you are new, hi, my name is Natalie, and just a couple of days ago I turned 15. Shocker how I'm still alive huh?

Short story short I'm very suicidle, most people don't like opening up about it but I'm open about it because I feel like at the end of the day Im not going to be okay.

I have been trying to stay off of social media because it is a drug. And the people I hang out with don't understand my situations so I tell that one online friend I tell everything but now I regret it.
(Mel if ur reading this mucho amor but lemme explain)

I regret opening up about it because it got me into this huge mess, I lost a lot of friends and now I'm lost, I was trying to find out what is wrong with me?

Figured that out though.

I do bad things, I put pressure on others, and I feel like the more I talk, the more I'm risking myself.

So now here's the reason I'm back to explain something stupid.

Everyday I regret a lot of movements I make, and instead of learning from them,

I repeat it.

I used to think life wasn't fair, but now...

It's my fault. I did this to myself, I realized the drama I've created and now I'm coming clean.

Not that anyone cares, but in the summer, I stayed with my aunts for two weeks.

The whole time I was bullied and I still believe everything they said was true.

I'm only fucking 15 years old and I already feel like I failed in life.

And it sucks cause I'm shutting my friends out even more, I suddenly go from happy to sad.

And in Christmas they came back and everything dropped. I realized no one fucking cares about how I felt.

No one ran after me when I left crying from that house.

I've always been a soft person, and now I've become the person I never wanted to be.

Them.

And the feeling I have gets worse, I feel like if they die I won't attend their funeral because why would I want to be known as their relative.

And the worst part is no one understands that because they are "amazing" people but oh bitch.

Amazing my ass.

And I'm becoming them. And it sucks cause whenever I gain that happiness back it's gone, I try to be the person people want me to be but sometimes I hate that person and I realize I want to end her.

I'm sorry I'm taking it out on this stupid book but I had to rant.

Thanks if you read it.