Hopelessly Devoted

Chapter 48

Chapter 48-
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The wind felt like velvet running across my face in the crisp air of the northern night. The temperature was refreshingly cold on my skin. My eyes scanned over the snow on the ground as my breath clouded in front of me.

I casually sipped my spiked cider as my mind wandered. Stray tears fell down my face as my eyes stayed wide open, lost in thought. My brain felt too numb for me to have the energy to wipe my tears.

There's no worse feeling than regret or guilt. Both of which had been culminating in me over this past week, making my soul feel heavier and heavier. I honestly felt like I was drowning under myself.

Sniffing, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and stared at it for a second or two before opening it and clicking on 'mom'. I waited for the ringing to pass.

"H-hey mom. I, um, I don't really know why I'm leaving this voicemail cuz it's not like you're gonna get it but I, uh, I don't know.. I guess I want to say I'm sorry," my voice cracked and I paused to take a break, letting myself cry now.

"They say you don't know what you have till you've lost it, and now that I'm so close to losing you I- I, just.. after dad.. after everything happened, we only had each other. And even though you took a turn I, we still needed- need- each other.

You needed help, and I didn't give it to you as much as I should've. If you had, you know, d-died in that accident then the last thing I would've said to you wasn't that I loved you and the thought of that makes me sick.

I, just, I do love you, so much. And I'm sorry I haven't been what I should for you. I can't do this without you," I paused again. "I can't do life without you mom. I'll try so hard to be different I promis-" the beep cut me off.

I kept my phone to my ear as another tear fell down my cheek. I took one more sip of cider before wiping my eyes and standing up, getting a little too cold outside.

Everyone had gone to bed early, knowing full well that the mood had been completely killed from earlier. The house was dark when I walked back in.

Putting my drink down and taking my jacket off, I realized that someone was in the kitchen. Walking around the corner, I saw Ashton getting water. When he looked up, he was slightly confused.

"Why are you up? Is everything okay?" He asked, the dim light complimenting his structured face. I smiled slightly to myself when he asked this.

"Yeah, I just needed some time to reflect or whatever," I shrugged it off, looking back up at him. "Listen uh, about earlier-"

"It's fine, we can just talk about it tomorro-"

"Please," I cut back in, flustered. "I don't know why I didn't tell you sooner, I honestly forgot about the whole thing like it just happened and he immediately apologized so I didn't really think anything of it because obviously like whether we were official or not yet I knew I was with you and I would never have done anything to-" he cut me off, grinning slightly and taking my hands in his.

"Crystal, I know," he said, and I looked back at him slightly confused. "I mean obviously at first I was really shocked and kinda hurt but then I thought more about it and realized it was you I was talking about," he continued.