Loving the sin (bxb)

Chapter 10 - Science and Witches

Nathan had done some research for me and found a clinic, not two hours away from Evanston, that did the HIV tests and even for free. And he had even made an appointment there for me in only three days. That was today. At first, I had been nervous, because I would find out, if I actually got infected, which was very very likely considering everything, or if for some unknown reason, I didn't. Then I was hopeless, because there really was little to no hope. The rate of people getting infected by unprotected sex was very high. It was almost a contract you signed with fate, if you dared to do so. 

Then I was angry, very angry, because that cunt gave me HIV. He knew he was positive and he still slept with me. He wanted me to get it or at least didn't care enough, to not let me die like him. If he was still alive, I would have punched him, putting aside my morals for once, just like he had done, when he hadn't told me to at least put a condom on when we had sex. 

The next stage was repression. Maybe there was a little bit of hope and anyway, there was nothing I could do about it now. I just had to wait for the results and see what they said. If they were bad, they were bad. If they were good, thank fucking god. And the last stage, my current one, was an overwhelming mixture of fear, sorrow and panic. I felt like my heart wanted to give out earlier than the disease would even make it and it got hard to breathe. 

After Nathan had helped me calm down in front of the school's gym, we sat down and talked a bit. Not to resolve our problems, we weren't there yet and I didn't know if I was ready to forgive him yet or even accept the fact, that Nathan stood by as his best friend bullied little Danny just for being gay. We both went to the principal afterwards and told him, we needed 'some time to pray for Mister White's soul and even though the principal didn't agree with that, he couldn't say no to Nathan. 

So we went to a small park and basically just made a plan for how to go from here. Nathan told me, it would be best to just carry on like normal, since we didn't know for sure yet and it was better to be distracted at school than overthinking at home. And I kind of agreed. The next three days I spend a lot of time with Nathan and when I was home, I always hung out with either Tommy or Julie, just to not be alone for too long. I couldn't really sleep, as the thoughts were just there, but it was bearable I guess. 

Nathan abandoned David and his girlfriend once again to spend time with me, since he knew I didn't see eye to eye with them and I had already enough stress on my side as it is. I liked hanging out with Nathan, although our conversations were either shallow or simply about the test. I was pretty afraid, understandably and the fact that I didn't like needles didn't help. But Nathan wanted to accompany me to the clinic and I really appreciated that. I needed him now more than ever or maybe not him but...somebody. 

Currently, I was waiting in front of my car for Nathan, since school was out and we would drive to the clinic now. My hands were shaking, as I played with the key to my car anxiously. In two hours I would know for sure. After that, my last glimpse of hope would be gone and I would know for sure, that I was going to die. That didn't feel too great to be honest. Of course I wanted to know for sure, but at the same time...I really didn't. My foot tapped the ground nervously and I was on the brick of tears. Why why why? 

Then I saw the slim and angel-like figure of Nathan squeezing between the bodies of the other students leaving school and walking into my direction. He wore a sad, but sympathetic smile on his face as he spotted me and saw how nervous I was. I knew he was trying to keep my hopes up, but unfortunately, I had done some research those past couple of days and the chances were not on my side. It was almost guaranteed, that I was infected. Of course the literature about AIDS was limited in our library, but that was what I had found. If I was really HIV positive, I would be dying soon. Gosh, how was it, that they still hadn't found a cure yet?