Loving the sin (bxb)

Chapter 42 - Finding the dead

I didn't get up the next day, again. Why should I? I wasn't allowed to leave the house anyway, so why shouldn't I just stay in bed until I died. At some point, I did have to stand up and pee, because that was a privilege I had to learn the hard way. Being locked in a closet, ironically, for two days just wasn't fun. Dorian, who was on shift that time, had to go with me and even stand next to me while I did my business. It was embarrassing, but honestly just annoying. Not gonna lie, I had hoped for some privacy and maybe an opportunity to do what Louis didn't dare. 

The day of my graduation arrived and all I could think about was Nathan. How we wanted to celebrate this day with our families one last time, before seemingly going to prom, but in reality, we would just go to the airport, catch our flight and leave into freedom. We would have been happy. Gosch, so so happy. And now everything was dark and grey. As if somebody had erased all the color out of my life and simply stopped drawing my future. It didn't exist. Not without my love. 

My love who was already dead. It was now two days after the incident and there was no way that Nathan was breathing anymore. He was strong, so much stronger than I was, but nobody could survive that. I stopped crying at some point and just accepted my fate. I had never prayed before, well not if I wasn't forced to, but now I silently asked Nathan's god to help him. To either release him from his pain or get him some help. To let him into this place called heaven and then release me from my suffering as well, so I could be with him again. God didn't answer me. 

Louis came around approximately once an hour to yell at me for a different reason. Sometimes it was because I had refused to eat the food the servant had brought me, sometimes it was because she hated how, and I quote, 'overdramatic' I was and mostly, she just yelled at me for everything that happened. I didn't respond once. The last words she should remember when my body would finally give out was, what I had said to her at that dinner table. She should blame herself and she should have to live with the fact, that she was partly responsible for two deaths. 

Sometimes, Julie would sneak into my room and beg for me to be happy again, but I couldn't. She sometimes tried to cheer me up with jokes and dances, but as sweet as that was, I couldn't give her a response. I simply stared ahead, dead like. At some point, she started crying uncontrollably and somebody had to get her away from me, because she was so frustrated and sad that I was like this. She didn't really understand it and I would say I would once explain it to her when she was older, but it would never come to that. 

Tommy never came again. After he had said those words to me, he basically disappeared. Once when I was 'walking' to the bathroom with Dorian, I heard him in his room, playing music, but I didn't expect him to come and visit me. Even though it didn't seem like it, Julie's visits always helped just a little bit. They didn't cheer me up or made me not want to die, but I felt a little less alone for just a second. Even if Julie wasn't Nathan. 

After one week, Edward came to talk to me and tried to get me out of bed. He said I was falling apart. Good. Things that fall apart are so useless you can just throw them away. So...throw me away then. I didn't respond. Then Louis came and thought yelling would do it, but it didn't, of course. They tried a lot to get my will to live back, but not positive things, mostly just threats. No threat could be as bad as what had already happened, so I didn't care. 

But then Micah came to visit. I don't know whose idea that was, since they didn't even know how dear he was to me or if he wanted to check up on me himself, but he suddenly knocked on my door, carefully entering. I didn't really notice that it was him, until he shyly called "Jesse?" Somehow Micah's voice actually gave me the strength to slowly turn around, looking into my best friend's eyes. "Micah" I croaked and I didn't know how I was even able to talk again.