Loving the sin (bxb)

Chapter 22 - Sorry is just a word

After Nathan had left me in the van alone, I was a mess. "Fuck fuck FUCK!" I exclaimed, gripping my hair as tears welled in my eyes. I messed up. Again. But he had kissed me a-and I only kissed him back because I thought he wanted me to. I took it too far and now I scared him away. My love was confused and probably never wanted to see me again. And even now, I was worried about him. Yes I was also worried what that would mean for us, if he would ever talk to me again or if he would ignore me or even hate me now. But I was more worried about my love.

I couldn't even imagine how hard that must have been for him. He kissed me, him a straight christian soon to be priest kissed me, another guy, willingly. He wanted it, I could feel it by how he trembled when I touched him. How he pulled me closer and breathed with his sweet voice traces of a moan. It was genuine and true. He kissed me, because he wanted to and now he was confused. He was probably crying right now and couldn't even turn to god, since even after everything he had said to me, he was probably still afraid that god would hate him. And I couldn't blame him. 

I was also worried, because he left here in a hurry and in the middle of the night. I only hoped he would get home safe and not do something stupid. I wanted to comfort him, not with my kisses, just with me, his best friend, and I wanted to tell him that everything was going to be ok. That I was sorry. Sorry for complicating his life so much. Sorry for coming into it first of all. Sorry that he was this hurt and confused and there was nothing to ease the pain. I wanted to hold him and let him cry out his sorrow, while I would gently rock him back and forth, like a child that had a bad dream. 

But I think I was the last person he wanted to see right now. And that hurt even more. That I was the cause of his pain. That just because I existed, he was now confused. But I was confused too. What did this kiss mean? Did he like me? Did he feel attracted to me? Or did he just want to comfort me? I wanted to know that more than anything, because these last few months I had accepted the fact, that Nathan and I would never happen. But now he showed me, that all of that was false? That he wanted me? I didn't know and all of those questions made me confused, angry, hurt, curious and frustrated. I couldn't cry or scream, I couldn't do anything but stand there, stunned by what had just happened and overanalyzing the situation while tears welled in my eyes and my body trembled. 

I stayed in the van the whole night, awake and messed up. I did not come out to get myself some breakfast or lunch. Around noon, I had started to cry so much, I wrapped myself in a blanket in Nathan's seating area and fell asleep. I knew it was selfish to stay in Nathan's van, where he probably wanted to be right now and be alone as well, but I couldn't find the strength to get out. A small evil part of me also hoped, that Nathan would come here as well and we could talk. I didn't know what I would say to him, but I would definitely apologize. 

Around the late evening, the screams of my family woke me up. Or better yet, Julie and Edward. They actually searched for me and those two apparently decided to check out the backyard. I took a deep breath, before getting up with wobbly legs and reddened eyes, put on my jacket and followed their voices. Not because I wanted them to find me, but because I wanted to protect Nathan's van from being found. He needed it now more than ever. "Jesse?? Jesse!" I heard the voices of my dear little cousin and my uncle. When I approached them, they had their backs turned towards me, yelling my name into the snowstorm that had formed. 

"Here" I croaked and when they turned towards me, Julie exclaimed "Jesse! I found you!" She ran over to me, hugging my waist. I smiled weakly, hugging her back, before looking up at Edward, who I think was about to say something to me, before he caught the state of my face, all red and puffy eyes, so he shut his mouth again and just let my little cousin hug me. 

"Jesse are you hurt?? You look sad" Julie said, her arms still around my waist, but her head looking up to me. I chuckled weakly, before scrunching down to be on her height. "Thank you darling I'm... not so good. The world is just a little...bad right now" I replied, trying to hold it together. When I glanced at Edward, he nodded and I think he thought it was because of my parents. Let him, it was better than him finding out the truth. "Come on, lets get you inside" Edward said, holding out an arm and gently guiding me towards the house, his hand on my shoulder and mine intertwined with Julie's. She kept looking and smiling at me, trying to brighten my mood and I smiled back at her. She shouldn't worry about me, she was only 10.