Loving the sin (bxb)

Chapter 24 - Hope is a dangerous thing

The pain in my chest stayed there for the rest of the day and the whole night, keeping me awake. I was now basically awake for the last 48 hours or more, I honestly lost count. But can you blame me? I was sleep deprived, heart-broken and grieving. I thought me confronting Nathan yesterday would have helped get some closure or at least help him get the advice he so desperately needed right now. I had expected a lot of things to happen on that parking lot, but what actually happen, I never in a million years could have imagined that. 

Nathan had isolated himself from everybody, including me and himself. I apparently underestimated just how scared he was by the whole ordeal and now he had hidden behind a frozen smile, probably repeating the memories of him alone in his house when he was five over and over again. I tried to get through to him, but he was so far gone, that he even admitted to the kiss, but brushed over it like it was nothing. That's when I knew it was serious. 

He acted like he didn't even see my tears and as if the kind and caring Nathan I so desperately loved and cherished was suddenly gone and replaced by an alien like creature, that only knew how to smile. It was strange and frightened me. But probably not as much as Nathan actually was. The kiss must have made him so anxious, that he refused to acknowledge the fact, that it happened and that he actually felt something. Even if he felt something bad, he did not wish to know about that and so he shut off every emotion known to mankind except... nice. A trait on Nathan I had once admired so much, that frightened me now to the bone. 

He had asked me to come to the van today. Why? Was there maybe a glimpse of hope, that he only acted that way because we were a little bit in public and open for predators? Or did he mean it and just wanted to act like it never happen? Maybe he wanted me to come, so he could explain or let me at least apologize again. Maybe something bad had happened at Mary-Janes again? Because if my love was actually gay, then I can only imagine how uncomfortable it must be for him to pleasure a woman and try to enjoy getting pleasured by her.

He hadn't asked me to come at a specific time and I really tried to play it cool, you know, sleeping in, having a nice long breakfast, reading or having a swim in the pool and then maybe after lunch and a quick nap, then I would slowly walk through the snow and towards the van. But do you know me? Of course I woke up at 6 am, tried to fall asleep again, but a mixture of exciting hope and painful heartbreak settled into my chest, keeping me awake. At around 8, I was so exhausted just from laying around and jumping from shedding a tear for my lost lover to finding hope in the corner of my heart and almost feeling giddy again, that I decided to get some breakfast. 

But turns out, heartbreak, even mixed with hope, can really upset your stomach and even though I asked the cook to prepare me my favorite, my very own Jesse Sandwich, I couldn't take one bite from it. At least I was able to drink some tea, so I wouldn't dehydrate, but food wasn't an option for me. Thats how the whole last week went by the way. After my confrontation with Nathan in the parking lot, he went back to avoiding me, but over-happily greeted me in the hallways, before running back to his bloody girlfriend and David that cunt. 

We didn't talk and I hoped that it would all turn out well for us today, when we were alone in the van, but now that the time had actually come, I couldn't help but fear, that I would look at a robotic version of my love again, who couldn't stop smiling and acting like everything was fine, when in reality, it was just shit. 

After maybe an hour of nervously staring at my breakfast, I went upstairs again and decided to sit in front of my widow, that was overlooking the backyard. Of course I wouldn't see the van or even the fence from here, but I just wished I could spot him and just by the way he walked, I would know what this meeting was about. So I sat there, watching the snow melt in the sun and the trees move in the wind. What time was it? Would Nathan already be there? Would it look desperate to be there before him? No, it would look like I cared, which I did. But maybe he didn't want that or even needed me to not care right now.