Safe place // Minsung (DISCONTINUED)

anxiety

Ok so recently a lot has happened between me and my parents, because they call me lazy and just get mad at me for literally nothing. This affected my mental health really badly, because J was in bad headspace in itself and having to spend so much time with them reminded me of why I don't like being at home. Normally I go to a boarding school and only come home during weekends so this was a big switch up.

This hasn't only had a big impact on my depression, but my anxiety as well.

I'm someone who has really bad anxiety and a lot of my thoughts are about not being enough or letting people down or failing and my parents kind of straight up telling me I'm not doing enough, made me just really upset, because I feel like I'm failing them and sometimes I know that that's not actually through and that a big part of not being able to do what they ask me all the time is because I can hardly get out of bed, let alone do anything productive during the day. The online tasks they gave me also gave me anxiety, because it's all over the place and I end up missing deadlines and get scared for my grades and my parents reaction on them and that's all a lot to handle.

And just a few hours ago we were watching a program on TV anot someone who'd been in a coma and they didn't think he'd make it or would ever be able to walk again, but he ended up being able to walk, talk and even ride his bike again and shit and when it was over my dad said "see, when you see things like this, there's nothing to be depressed about" and that got me so so so so so fucking mad. Like of course I know there's good things in this world, but like I don't choose to be depressed, if I could just stop being depressed when I see good things I wouldn't fucking be depressed and I wouldn't feel like a disappointment and like I'm letting you down.

I'd have higher self esteem and maybe my anxiety wouldn't be as bad, but that's just not how it works. I can't just make it stop and I can't just get over it and me not being on my phone as much will not magically make me a happier person.

Sorry for the rant. I just don't know how my frequent anxiety attacks or my mood will affect my updates, because on one side I do wanna update, but I also wanna make sure the chapters are just as good as the others despite my mood and sometimes I just lack motivation and then sometimes I get really excited to write, but I can only write 2 sentences and then I start worrying if it's even good enough. I will try to update and get chapters out, but of that doesn't happen now you know why.

I'm really really sorry and thank you for anyone who read this the whole way through.