Ashes in the Dusk [CBS#4]

Chapter 32

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It was still so awkward and I could feel him adjusting. He isn't cold at me, but not too warm. It feels like he is maintaining a civil relationship with me. Ayos naman sa akin 'yun, hindi na naman ako nanghihingi ng lamang pa sa ganito. All I wanted for years was to let him know that it wasn't my intention to leave him for good. I just only wanted to let him know what really happened. After knowing that, I don't expect him to give me back the love that he gave me. A casual treatment would be fine. After all, I decided to continue my life in this place and an on-going dispute between Rahma and I won't be healthy for the both of us. Besides, I don't want to go anywhere else, nakakapagod nang magpalipat-lipat. Gusto kong dito na ako tumanda at malagutan ng hininga.

I don't want to live in Sugriva, I'd just remember the painful story of my father who already left this world. I also don't want to live in Manila, I'd see my Mom's unforgettable marks everywhere. I don't want to live in Brichwood District, I'd remember how I made him feel worthless. Okay na ako rito. I'm at peace. Now that the truth has been revealed, I am even more at peace.

I am already contented that I could now go get some groceries without the fear of encountering sharp eyes piercing through me. I could attend to different town's events without thinking that someone hates me to the roof. I'm finally okay. I'm at ease. He made it clear to me that it doesn't hurt him that I'm here acting as an intern at their farm. I couldn't be happier.

Inaaral ko ang farm records sa aking monitor. I photocopied every information that I might need in time. I was jotting notes and all and he was at his table facing his desktop. He seemed busy and perhaps, trying to complete unfinished works. It was so silent only ticks of the keyboard can be heard, including the sound of the printer. We may not be exchanging stories, but unlike the last days, the tension has eventually subsided.

Tumayo ako nang naisipan kong magkape. He was quick to glance at me so I slightly smiled at him.

"Magkakape ako. Gusto mong magpasabay?" I said, trying to sound casual.

His lips parted, he then closed them and creased his thick brows. "Kung hindi naman abala sa'yo."

Nagulat ako at mukhang kinukumpirma niya namang ayos lang na ipagtimpla ko siya ng kape. Ilang linggo ring tinatanggihan niya ako. It felt like winning an award when I shouldn't be feeling this way. Dapat inililibing ko na ang damdaming ito. Kung puwedi lang sanang balewalain nang ganun lang kadali. Isang kisap-mata.

My feet were light when I advanced my steps towards the tiny coffee machine. Nagtimpla ako ng para sa aming dalawa. Matapos, lumapit ako sa kanyang lamesa at inilapag doon ang kape niya.

"I hope you'd like it," utas ko. It was supposed to be a normal remark but...

He looked at me intently. His blue stares were hypnotizing but they were always intimidating.

"I... have always liked your coffee." he whispered that I almost went deaf.

Umawang ang labi ko. He already brought his eyes back on the monitor. Napailing ako, hindi sigurado kung nabingi lang o mali ang pagkakarinig ko. I was trying to solve a puzzle in my head as I went back to my desk. Sumimsim ako sa aking kape at muling ginawa ang pag-aaral.

"I heard from Duncan that you are about to meet Brunetto. You didn't still change your mind?"

Natigil ako at napabaling sa kanya. Duncan's mouth is truly incapable of keeping conversations. His eyes were slightly dark and he seemed a little annoyed.

Hilaw akong ngumiti. "That was our past conversation, bago ko sinabi sayo na may plano akong maglipat sa ibang farm."

He exhaled calmly and nodded. "I thought that you're still into it."