Every Step Away

ESA15

ESA15

I cheated first.

Hindi man aktwal ngunit kung ikukumpara sa konsepto noon ay parang ganon na rin. My heart did love someone who's not supposed to be the one who receive it.

Sobrang tagal ko ding tinanggi ang bagay na ito saakin sarili hanggang isampal niya saaking mukha ang katotohanang iyon.

I liked Rylan as a person. He's an ideal person for every girl. Mabait kasi. May itsura. May utak at higit sa lahat, may pangarap at magandang prinsipyo. So when he confessed to me and asked if he can court me, I said maybe this is the time I should try moving out of my boundaries.

Bata palang ako alam ko nang mahal ko si Heze. I started seeing that as a kind of love I give to someone because he's always been here for me. Or maybe just some sort of puppy love or first love. Mawawala din.

I found Ry as a diversion and a way to move on from Heze. Thinking that someday, I will love him greater than the love I felt the first time. I tried hard but I guess I failed.

Dahil patuloy na kumakalampag ang kinulong kong pagmamahal para kay Heze saaking puso. Pilit kumakawala dahil tila hindi na nagiging sapat ang espasyo ng kulungang ginawa ko para rito. Because the love that I thought will die sooner, just continue to grow.

Lumaki bilang isang nakakatakot na emosyon kaya pilit kong binaon sa limot.

Mahabang minuto ang lumipas na walang nagsasalita saamin. Tanging ang mahinang tunog lang ng hangin ang maririnig sa pagitan namin.

"I know it's not a valid reason to have someone else. Galit din ako sa sarili ko kung bakit ko iyon nagawa. Magbest-friend pa kayo."

If the love you receive is not enough, will it be okay to cheat?

"Like what you said, gago ako."

Hindi ako nagsalita. Or better, hindi ko mahanap ang dapat kong sabihin. Ang daming bagay na gusto kong isumbat dahil ano ba ang pinagkaiba naming dalawa?

"I'm guilty, ang dami kong kasalanan sayo. Pero bawat araw humihiling pa rin ako na sana tanggapin mo ako pabalik."

Tuluyan ko nang binalik ang tingin ko sa kanya. He's not looking at me but only to the road a little far from us. Konti nalang ang dumadaan dahil malalim na din ang gabi.

"Minahal kita, Ry." I said to him, finally realizing it's my turn to admit my faults.

Here we are now, in an unexpected part of our relationship talking about what went wrong. Ang daming butas ng relasyon namin na pilit naming pinagtatakpan noon, and now that it was ruined, it became clear to us now.

"You're an amazing person too. Hindi ka naman mahirap mahalin. Ewan ko kung bakit iniisip mo na hindi totoo yung mga ginagawa ko para sayo, pero hindi ko iyon ginagawa dahil kailangan. I adored you so much, Ry..."

Mas lalong humigpit ang kanyang pagkakakuyom at hinampas ang table kung nasaan kami. I fought my tears back as I watch him being frustrated ad self-hating.

But all his 'dapat pala' are too late now.

Hindi naman siya mahirap mahalin. Hindi rin naman ako pusong bato para hindi makaramdam. I felt his love for me and I did love him back. Hindi ako masasaktan ng ganon katindi noon kung hindi.

I gave my trust and love to him. Hindi man iyon ganon kalaki katulad ng tinatago kong pagmamahal. But I choose the love that I have for him than it. Because it's safer.

"Santh..." he painfully called my name when I stopped his hand from hitting the table and hurting himself.

"Tangina ang gago ko." he whispered.