Every Step Away

ESA29

ESA29

I know I failed people a lot.

I left the Philippines with only one person who knows about my plan. No goodbyes and no warnings, I planned it all smoothly.

Alam kong kasing hindi papayag si Hezekiah na makikipag-break nalang ako bigla. Alam ko din na kahit anong pilit ko siyang itaboy, wala akong magagawa.

It's never an easy decision to leave. I don't think he deserves someone like me who can only offer him less than what he deserves.

He needs a love that is pure and wholehearted. Certainly, I can't give him that because I myself, lacks love.

Sabi ko noon, mamahalin ko ang sarili ko sa pamamagitan ng pagpili kong gumising araw-araw na akin siya. I never realized how selfish I became just because of that choice. My days were very happy because of him. His days are very hard because of me.

Pero hindi ko man lang naisip tanungin siya at kamustahin. I just flavored my mind with reasons that are unfair to him. Because I am happy.

I continuously depend on him without wondering who he depends on. Hindi ko naisip na unti-unti kong kinukuha sa kanya yung buhay niya. That he was protecting me for so long and while doing that, he's destroying himself.

When I finally realized that, I know I need to set him free. Because I might be the toxic that will ruin him. At the same time, I also realized that I need to learn not to depend my life on other people too.

Because that is the reason why I break them and why it breaks me too.

I am broken with too many sharp edges.

I need to learn to be alone, choose to love self truthfully, and understand why such kind of things needs to happen in my life. I finally understood that I need to love myself first before I offer love to someone else.

So that my love won't be selfish, but wholesome and pure.

Whatever happens now, I know I did my best to better. No matter what this life brings me, I need to accept it as the price of my decisions.

Because I will never regret choosing myself first.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you to Ninoy Aquino International Airport in Manila where the local time is thirty minutes past three in the afternoon. For your safety, you are requested to keep your seat belt fastened until the seat belt sign is turned off. Please ensure that you take all your personal belongings with you before leaving the aircraft. Thank you."

I sighed deeply. I felt like time was chasing me. It's passing too much faster than I expect.

Fuck. Nasa Pilipinas na nga ba talaga ulit ako?

Kumilos ako ng tuliro at wala sa sarili dahil sa aking kaba. I feel like I wanna go back to France in instant.

But when I felt the usual hot feeling of the air, kissing my skin, it felt very familiar like I am supposed to be here always. This will always be home huh?

"Welcome back." agad na salubong saakin ni Daddy noong nakita ko siya kasama ang dalawa niyang bodyguard.

It was a very unusual sight because, for two years, I was used to meeting him like a normal person wearing common clothes, with no securities around. Ngayon ko lang ulit naalalang hindi siya simpleng tao lamang.

"It felt weird that you're the one saying that," I said and hugged him tightly. "I missed you!"

"It felt nice to be the one saying that," he said and hugged me back.