taste // billie eilish

thirty four

billies pov

"i can't tell if i'm dreaming or your actually here" harper says making me laugh.

"your not dreaming, i'm really here" i say walking towards her bed.

"hey dad, zoe, and kailtyn" she then says acknowledging the other people in the room.

"you feeling okay?" her dad asks giving her a hug.

"yeah i'm good" she replies wirh a smile.

i'd be lying hella if i said i didn't miss that smile. espically when it was me making her.

"i'm glad you are okay. you were out for almost four days" her dad than says causing harpers eyes to open wide.

"holy shit" she whispers. "that's pretty badass"

we all laugh for a moment obviously avoiding the elephant in the room being she tried to take her own life.

"uh, can me and billie have a moment alone" harper than says as everyone nods and leaves the room.

"why are you here?" she than asks once the door closes.

"i had to see you" i simply reply.

"i'm so sorry"

"harper, i'm sorry. i'm a dumbass. i should have never walked out on you like that without even saying goodbye" i say.

"billie, i messed up too. i was out of my fucking mind for kissing kaitlyn. i only did it to try and distract myself from everything going on. i should have just called you" she says.

her hand reached for mine as she squeezed it. i missed her touch so much.

"distract you from what?" i ask.

"my mom billie. she told me i had to break up with you if i wanted to live in that house. i thought about telling you and how we could just have a secret relationship but you didn't deserve that. you deserve someone who will show you off, be there for you 24/7, someone who's stable in their own life. i wasn't able to give that too you and it's not what you deserved so i planned on breaking up with you that next day. i kissed kaitlyn to distract me from it all but honestly, i didn't take my mind off you once that whole car ride. than you ghosted me and i couldn't figure out why until i saw the snapchat memory. i hated myself so badly, i beat myself up for it every fucking day. i didn't realize how much i loved you until i lost it" she says before taking a deep breath.

"i loved you so much, life wasn't worth living if i couldn't have you" she finishes as a tear falls from her face.  "shit maybe i still do love you. i don't think i ever stopped"

i wipe her cheek with my thumb, wiping the tears away even though i could feel myself crying.

"harper, i don't know what to say"

"you don't have to say anything billie. i shouldn't even be here right now. neither should you" she replies, sitting up straighter in her bed as i take a seat next to her.

"you are one of the strongest people i know harper. you made me who i am today. you deserve everything. don't say i shouldn't be here because that's not true at all. you had way to much of an impact on my life for me not to be here." i say honestly as she just shakes her head.