Tied at two ends.

crying nights

Chris's pov

The night ended so badly. Gretchen didn't speak to me on the whole ride home. She was pissed at me. As soon as we got home I sent both kids to bed. I didn't wanna deal with either of them anymore. I don't care what time it is they just need to go to there rooms. I didn't have to speak to Gretchen and she just left to go upstairs. Damien looked at me and nodded. At least one kid listens to me.

Once both of them are gone I go downstairs. I go to the room where legacies note is. I always find comfort in being there. 

"God why can't she understand what I'm doing for her, I love her. It is my job to take care of you and your brother" I say out loud like I am speaking to her. 

"And god, and that face!" I scream. 

"why is it so beautiful, Legacy if you're out there they remind me so much of you. There blue piercing eyes. " I am on the floor having a conflict with my self. I talk a lot with myself self it is a bad habit. 

I smack the floor"goddamnit, why do I feel so drawn to them? I feel the need to know who they are. Should I go back tomorrow night?" I ask my self out loud. 

"But the risks Chris!" I yell to my self. 

"It's just the bridge, it isn't that far from home, worst comes to worst I'll fly home fast" I crawl up the mantle where his letter is. 

"I am doing this cause I feel drawn to them. They looked so much like you and I'm doing this for you" I point at the letter. God, I feel like I am losing it. I decided to visit mom and dad before heading to bed. 

"Hey mom hey dad," I say as I walk into their room. I can always feel their presence when I'm here. I sit on the floor in between both the urns are. Its m favorite spot, I even have my self a rug so I'm not sitting on the floor. 

"Mom, Gretchen is so damn stubborn. Just like you!" I say out loud in a laugh. 

"she reminds me so much of you. The way she walks and talks, it's kinda funny. I just wish she understood what I do for her. Damien doesn't remember you guys at all. He was just a baby when you both pasted. It hurts me every time he asks questions about you two" it pains me to remember the times he has started crying cause he wishes he remember mom and dad. I start to cry. I haven't cried in a long time.

"I hate crying, you both know this!" I said out loud as I break out into laughter. 

"I miss you guys so fucking much, I haven't cried about it in a long time but it feels so good to get out. I turn 1,000 in a few days." I cry out.

"I am sad that you guys won't be here for any of our other birthdays. I hope i can continue to be a good parent to my siblings. I wanna be as good as both of you but it's hard. All I have is me to help my self." I rub my eyes and wipe my tears. 

"god look at me I'm a mess. I feel like I will never meet my soulmate. But talking about people. I saw a boy. One the way to ghosts house tonight. They were so beautiful. Last time I was friends with a human it cost your lives. I have decided to go tomorrow to the bridge may be ill see them. But god good please, please, please give me a sign I am doing this right." I use the word god a lot for one who doesn't believe in god. I just have got on with the human language.

"I just need one simple sign that is it! please" I say out loud. I start to cry again. I really wish I had Ghost to hug right now. Or even someone to hug, for once I crave skin to skin contact. I lay down and start to cry more. I am exhausted I feel so different. What am I doing with life any more? all these thoughts run threw my head as my eyes get heavy. I eventually let sleep just take me for now. 

 A while later*

I wake up lying my head against the bottom of where mom's urn is. I forgot why I was here till it all came flooding back to me. I sad down here and cried for the first time in a few years. It felt good, to be honest. I got up and made my way upstairs. It currently is about 12 in the afternoon. We went to ghosts' place at about nine and came home at about 3. I sent the kids to bed then and I don't know when the fell asleep. I went downstairs almost about 4 and ended up being down there for a long time. 

The kids wake up whenever they want to. I don't care as long as they do the things I say when they are awake. It is also day and they sleep most of it. I on the other hand don't sleep a lot anymore. I am constantly doing things for others that I never sleep and I don't care. the kids know where the food is. We drink blood and eat human food. sometimes I make them human food when they wake up but not a lot. I hardly ever eat human food or drink blood. It isn't healthy for me but I sometimes forget about eating. It bothers me but I don't care most of the time. 

I decided to take my runs around the castle inside and outside. Yes, there is sun but I have clothes that can protect me for a while. Once I do that I start to work in my office and pick up around here. I always keep my self preoccupied.