Finding Casanova: Book 1

Remembering

*THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS TRIGGER MOMENTS OF SUICIDE, SO IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE READING PLEASE SKIP WHEN IT SAYS "2 YEARS AGO"*

*ESPIAN*

I was broken inside like shattered glass. There was an aching pain that lingered in me that was not easy to control. I've been awake for about an hour as I stared at the window while my tears rivered down my cheeks. The morning was gloomy, perfect for how I felt. Troy spent the night with me but even his warmth wasn't mending the wounds that cut deep into me.

I lifted my wrist as I touched the infliction I caused myself after the death of my brother and mother. I closed my eyes as I saw the traumatizing day of how I found my brother, lifeless in the tub as he bled his pain away. As of today we still don't know exactly why my brother went through depression and anxiety. He never talked about his pain, as a matter of fact before his depression he was always happy and full of life but then darkness took over. He was two years younger than me. He was 14 and I was 16 when this painful event happened. I sure don't ever want to return to that dark place I had buried myself into.

I gently touched my wound as I could still feel the sting of agony and my cry for help. My dad tried to help me but it was painful to even talk. Shane spent most of his time with me after the tragic event, that's why our falling has opened a wound that I worked so hard to close.

"What happened on your wrist?" Troy pulled me closer to him as he kissed my neck.

"I think you know what happened, isn't it obvious by now. I'm pretty sure my dad told you what happened," the words I spoke hurt as my heart broke into a million pieces but I held my tears.

"He did tell me but not what happened on your wrist, was it after what happened with your mom and brother?" His voice whispered in my ear as it soothed me.

"Yeah I was in so much pain that my anxiety peaked, everything hurt. I would get panic attacks, I wouldn't eat, and I would take painkillers to ease my pain but that didn't help. My dad took me to a psychiatrist but all they did was drug me with medicine. But my pain was still there, slowly ripping me apart," I heard his breathing as I closed my eyes.

I don't take any medicine at the moment, swimming for me was my medication because it washed all those bad memories and helped cleanse my tainted soul that suffered from an everlasting pain.

"I'm sorry you went through that, how can I help your pain to go away?" He held me tight into his strong arms and warm body.

"I read an article that revisiting a painful memory helps ease the soul, let me tell you what happened that day of my brother's death," I turned around as I gazed into his dreamy gray eyes, his beautiful lips and his sharp Grecian face.

"I'm here and I'm listening," his words were like an injection of hope and tranquility. I caressed his face as he closed his eyes.

"Two years..."

*TWO YEARS AGO*

My brother's depression has gotten severe as we kept a close eye on him. One day my parents couldn't get out of work. I had to go to school and they couldn't get out of work, the only solution we had was to leave my brother alone for a couple of hours. He slept most of the time so I told my parents that I'll ask if I could leave early. My teachers and principal knew about my brother's condition that they let me go home early.

My school wasn't far from our house, maybe a 20-minute walk so I ran home, while I was running I felt a prick inside me. It was a painful stab that felt like a part of me died. I stopped to gasp for air. I heard a cry for help but I didn't know where it was coming from. I glanced behind me as the neighborhood was silent. I finally caught my breath and continued running home.