PAUSE

Fourteen.

I should probably leave the stadium, but I swiftly throw back three drinks in ten minutes, so I don't even know who's going to drive me.

"Babe," I look back to see Trent and Dele coming my way. I quickly throw on a smile but it's unconvincing.

"Where are my cousins?"

"They left with Raz, they probably shouldn't be here anymore," Dele sighs.

"You shouldn't be either," Trent says with concern woven in his words. 

"You're right, let's just skip the game and go straight to the club!"

"Have you lost your mind? Do you realize what just happened out there? It's probably all over the internet as we speak and you want to go to a club?" Trent reprimands me.

I give him a blank look in response, "I'm not in the mood to be policed right now Trent, please."

"Would you like a fourth?" the bartender behind me asks.

Girl, fuck you. 

"Fourth drink? You've only been up here for--come on, let's go," Trent's goes completely serious and he pulls me up off my stool, wraps his arm around my waist, and grabs my car keys from my back pocket in the process. 

________________________________________________________

"So are you going to tell me what's wrong or are you going to just let me watch you spiral?"

Trent drove me home in my car and now he's sitting across from me in my living room with stress lining his face.

"And I don't want to hear about how you'll cope without talking about it because it's clearly not working. I want to be there for you," his words are gentle yet firm.

I let out a sigh and sink into my couch, "If you insist..."

Deep breath in, avalanche of problems out.

"Every time after the incident, I think about how my whole world just stopped.

It's like watching a movie and twenty minutes in, the screen just goes black, and that's it.

Even after being released from the hospital, the pain was too much to bear sometimes.

I would go to sleep and felt like whoever had the remote to my life kept pressing rewind in my mind.

After those months of recovery and rehabilitation, I didn't get attached anywhere I went.

I never signed with another team because if things started to go south, I needed out.

I regained control, but with that, I just hit fast-forward.

I moved on when I wanted with no responsibility to anyone.

Running quickly turned into drowning.

I was drinking to get sleep without nightmares.

Ever met someone addicted to drowning?

I knew I needed to stop because it began to interfere with my work, which was honestly the only thing I had left. The only thing I had to distract me without killing me.

I couldn't go back home to LA because it was the verbal abuse from my brother that primed me for Travis. I missed every red flag because to me, it was familiar.I couldn't pick my family but I could damn sure pick everything else.

And to everyone's surprise, I picked Manchester City.

Raheem could tell I was going through it because he was the only one I spoke to on a weekly basis. Being an athlete himself, he didn't accept my excuses for not answering the phone because he made time for me.