PAUSE

Twenty-three

It's been a few weeks and instead of sulking about the decision I made, I've been putting my energy in working with Marcus on his initiative to end child food poverty. Marcus is working tirelessly and I wanted to help with some of the burden so I am over the logistics in the Manchester area along with donating my wages during the shutdown. It also helps that Beans and Jesse are the only other footballers still talking to me after Trent broke the news that we were done. The only thing is, I can't tell them the truth about what happened to me. That part still hurts the most because I'm struggling with coping that at just twenty-two I may never have a family of my own.

"Well have you at least tried to speak to him? Surely he'll hear you out considering how close you two were," Marcus says through the phone.

"I haven't even tried you know," I look up from my iPad where I'm mapping out the local food banks.

"Well there you go, that's where you have to start Syd," he says in his thick accent.

"You know Beans, I wouldn't even know what to say," I trail off.

"Just explain the stress you were under to make him happy. I'm sure he can understand that the test gave you a false positive," he reasons.

I forgot that it seems so much more simple to Marcus because I lied my ass off. But either way, I have to own up that I lied and it did more damage than I expected.

The truth is always easier, your mom told you this since you were six Syd.

"You're right. I'll try to text him and see if he's willing to speak to me."

Rashy and I wrap up our meeting and get the task list ready for the next one before we say our goodbyes. I take a deep breath and text Trent.

________________________________

"Can we speak please? There was a

 lot more going on than what you

 may believe now and I think we

 should talk about it"

All he can say is no.

"Don't even contact me again."

Or that.

________________________________

June 17th, 2020

The last few months have passed in a blur, but the league is finally back. I'm thankful I was able to fill my time by helping Marcus with his goal and spending time with Thiago, Melody, and my little nugget Thai.

To be back in the Etihad without fans seems like a bad dream though. It's odd, but it works for me. We are up against Arsenal in our first match back so of course I had to banter before the match with Laca and Auba, with 3 meters between us of course.

Being back gives me some semblance of normalcy, but I still feel so empty. Work and my family usually help me bounce back, they did in the past, but this time I fear it's not enough.On my way to the bench I look up trying to hold back the tears prompted by my realization.

It's just never going to be the same, is it?

I take my spot on the sideline and try to focus on the match. I'm so worried about my boys because it's been so long away from the game. I need them to stay healthy.

So far so good, and nearly half way through the game and both teams remain scoreless. Then, Raz capitalizes off a mistake from Luiz and scores during extra time before the half.