PAUSE

Twenty-two

Not only has football been shut down, but the whole country. With the fast-pace schedule afforded by my career I've lived in a bubble, separated from what was going on in the rest of the world.

Now that everything has stopped in my world, I have tons of time to stare up at the ceiling and think about everything.

"I'm a fucking idiot, aren't I Blu?" I turn to look at my pup on the eyes. He just looks at me and turns away.

"Guess you're mad at me too."

Whether it was the multiple scoldings I've received for my recent actions, the leveling out of my hormones post-miscarriage, or the world shutting down snapping me back into reality, I realize how massively I've fucked up.

My doctor called me to warn me about the mental and emotional effects of the shock to my body with the miscarrage and something about my body chemistry changing rapidly as a result. Bottom line is, he warned me not to make any rash decisions.

Too late. Where was this vital information like five days ago?

I try not to beat myself up too much, I miscarried the child I planned on having with the only man who's ever loved me like I loved them.

I know it sounds like I'm being negative, but this is as positive as its going to get.

I panicked. But there's nothing I can do now but suffer the consequences.

And girl, I'm suffering.

All I do is sit in my flat all day and watch movies that give me an excuse to let out the tears I've been holding in. I don't even really know how many days it's been. My phone died at least two nights ago.

I've had time to come to my senses, but I've also had time to wallow in my pain. I was just getting back into things to distract myself at work, and now that's gone too.

I take another sip out of my wine glass when there's a knock on my door. I lift my body off the floor and go to see who it is.

I open the door to see a blank-faced Raheem. He just looks at me without saying a word and walks past me into my home.

"Hello to you too," I mumble.

He makes his way into my room and into my closet, grabbing a huge piece of luggage and throws my drawers open.

"What the fuck?" I ask, completely confused.

"Just get the dog."

Raheem goes through all my clothes, scooping them out of my dresser and dumping them in the bag. He does this until the bag is stuffed and I'm still frozen in place.

"Stop standing there looking like that," he turns to look me right in the eyes, "Since you don't know how to answer your phone, you're coming back to my house, I'm not going to let you just wither away alone in this house."

He returns to packing up my things and I just turn on my heel and get everything else I need for Blu and myself.

I can tell this is not up for debate.

When we get to Raheem's house, a place I'm far too familiar with, I'm greeted by the kids.

"Hello my loves,"I pick them up one by one, giving them each a kiss.

"Aunnie Syd!" Thiago screams as I toss him up and catch him.

"Hey auntie's sweet babies. You missed me already?" I ask, and of course they all shake their heads yes and then scurry off when Paige comes in for a hug as well.