Carrying the Legacy: The Revolution Continues

A Little Mess

TRIGGER WARNING: ANXIETY ATTACK

Chapter's song: Paralyzed - NF 

Stephan groaned and turned face down in bed to the opposite side, pulling the pillow over his head when his mother knocked on his door and peeked inside the dark room, the sun rays barely making it through the heavy curtains.

"Good morning, sweetheart. Time to wake up." She said patting his back as she passed by and then opening the curtains, just receiving a louder and more annoyed groan from the boy in response. "Come on, Steph. We can't keep doing this every single morning. We made an agreement that I would stop bringing breakfast up here but this clearly isn't working, you are not even trying." Peggy sat at the narrow edge of the bed and touched Stephan's back. "I know you're tired and want every second you get to rest right now, but you won't leave without eating anything for another day, did you hear me?"

The boy didn't respond and his mother pressed her lips in a thin line, thinking he was just ignoring her, until he responded, "Fine..." He answered with a low and hoarse voice but not showing any signs he would be moving anytime soon.

Peggy sighed and caressed his back before standing up, "We'll try something else ok? I will be going to the market today so... Perhaps they have something new to help with your sleep? Angelica told me they just received a new delivery from Europe."

"They won't." Stephan replied, his voice even hoarser than before, and then mumbled, "They never do..."

The woman stood in silence as she held the door handle, completely lost at how she should act next. In fact lost at how she should proceed with the entire situation once she was already doing the best she could, but still felt like was failing at every step she tried to take with her son. "Try to be down in 20 minutes?" She asked and he just groaned in response.

She closed the door and Stephan sighed deeply. He couldn't find the energy to wake up, that was what his mother didn't seem to understand. He often wakes up completely drained of every drop of energy he managed to find from the day before. That bed was his safe space, the only place he could be alone without people constantly and tiringly asking about his future, wondering how he intended proceeding his father's legacy, asking if he was ok, if something happened... He just wanted them all to stop asking him questions about how he felt. He hated lying. But he also didn't want to tell the truth. If they just stopped asking he wouldn't have to be in that endless loop every time.

Stephan turned again and laid on his back now, staring at the ceiling. "Why can't I just be normal?" He mumbled to himself. A deep wish of his always was to be more like his sister and that devoured him inside, he hated himself for envy her. Why couldn't he honor his father's name and be just as brave or fearless as anyone from the family was? He was a shame to them, Stephan was sure of that. He could be the first-born, but Frances was the desired child. She was the spitting image of the war hero while Stephan was nothing else than her smudgy shadow. "Gosh, why am I even here?... Such a waste of space..."

"Oh, SUCK IT UP! You're such a baby!" The voice in his head shouted. Every now and then, he would fight with that stupid voice, which insisted on winning over him and his wishes just like that day he refused Susan's invitation, but now it sounded much louder than usual. "You have everything anyone could wish for! A family that loves you and that don't have financial problems to worry about. Friends who care about you. A prosperous life ahead. Still, nothing seems enough, does it? You're so ungrateful... IT'S ALL IN YOUR FUCKING HEAD, JUST SNAP OUT OF IT!"

He crossed both his arms over his eyes, clenching his teeth as tightly as he could, and grumbled in protest through them in a grimace. "I would if I could-!" He replied but the next thought soon came in.