Work in Progress

Chapter 22: Change

*ELI'S POV*

I wasn't sure why I asked Sam to stay. Before breakfast, I had made up my mind to explain to her what happened with Brendan. But when she woke up it seemed like she didn't remember about it at all. Then when she snapped at me, I couldn't help but snap back. Isn't she glad I'm making friends? I mean... I'm still not entirely interested in making friends and I'm only really just making one friend who I'm still deciding if I will make a friend or just be like my other relationships before --intimate but still distant. Is that why she snapped? Did she see me with Alex? I'm not going to pretend like I didn't treat Sam differently from the others. That's why I've been alright with spending time with her and her friends. Sure, I like Sam. But I've been avoiding thinking about how deep my feelings for her go because I know I can't really act on it.

"What did you want to talk about?" she asks, sitting on the couch and crossing her arms.

I sit at the opposite end scratching the back of my head not really sure where to start. "I don't know if you remember but... I wanted to say sorry. About last night. I know I should actually be saying that to Brendan --and I'll find a way to-- but I thought of apologizing to you too for letting you see that side of me. He struck a chord and I couldn't stop myself from letting the aggressive side of me rise again. That was just during my dark year. It's nothing to worry about now."

She didn't speak for a moment. I think she was only now remembering how I had pushed Brendan and almost hurt him because one moment she was looking confused and the next, scared. What surprised me was she then looked worried.

"Look," I continue, "I know I haven't been the most... genuine friend. Even before the accident, I didn't really allow anyone to get close to me. It was hard for me to trust people. I was closest to my dad growing up. But when he suddenly left and I found out it was because he had another family... Everything I thought I knew about him was suddenly all wrong. My mom and sister were blindsided too so we all got through that together. They were the only ones I could trust. But I ruined it and--" My voice started shaking. I couldn't get myself to tell Sam that I caused the accident. I killed my family.

"Eli--"

"I'm fine," I say, trying to gather myself.

"No, you're not." Sam moves closer and puts a hand on my shoulder. "What happened?

"Nothing. It's-- nothing. I don't even know why I asked you to stay. It doesn't matter. Just pretend I didn't say anything."

"NO. If you're not going to tell me what happened, none of this matters. So what if you're oh so self-aware about your mistakes and negative qualities? Are you just going to stay like that and not do anything to change it? You said you already dealt with losing your family but clearly you haven't, which is ok. What's not ok is stringing people along, making them think you're their friend, when surprise! surprise! You were just testing the waters. You're acting not much different from your dad."

"That's not fair."

"You want to know what's not fair? When you've been trying to be nothing but a good friend to someone and respecting their boundaries even though everything inside you is screaming to be something more to that person but said person is too caught up in pushing people away and keeping them at arm's length that she forgets that those people have feelings too. Your actions affect others too, Eli. Whether you're keeping a distance or not."

She's right. I know she's right. Then why aren't I saying anything? I can tell her now everything that happened... But I won't. I can't put that burden on her. She shouldn't have had to deal with any of this if I hadn't let her get close. No. That's what she's been talking about. It's ok to get close. But I just can't tell her. What if she decides she doesn't want anything to do with me? Then that's ok. You tried. This is too much. It's too heavy.

***

I never got to decide whether to tell Sam or not. In the midst of my self-doubt, she had left. And I couldn't help but feel a mix of relief and regret.

Maybe it's better this way.

I don't know if that's true.

-END OF PART ONE-

A/N: Don't worry. You don't have to wait long. I've got some chapters for Part Two already.