When We Were Young

Merry #$@& %*! Christmas

Samuel decorated with tacky red and green wreath shaped lights strung along the dark wood paneled walls, and a blow-up Santa Claus and Snowman. He even hung paper snowflakes from the fans and decorated the mirrors behind the bars with white spray to make them look like snowy windows.

It didn't, but it was nice that he put in the effort.

Samuel was mid-thirties and married to his high school sweetheart. He had actually followed her to Manhattan to work. Now he owned a bar while she worked a corporate bank job. They were my English friends in America.

There were about twenty of us, and as I looked around, I felt pathetic. I was by far the youngest. At least Samuel was relatively close to my age group, but everyone else was much older, graying with wrinkles kind of older, who were either regulars or friends of his and had no family to see during the holidays. Or both.

But it was nice to be around people and feel like I belonged for the day. Everyone was from the U.K., so it was like our own little country holiday.

I was sure to call my mum before I started drinking, and even talked to my father for two minutes before he rushed off the phone. After that, I figured what the hell. I had nothing left to do but to make sure I made it home alive.

The pints started to go down quicker, my vision started to get blurrier, and the singing started to get louder. Luckily, I wasn't the only one singing and considering everyone's accent sounded a thousand times thicker after drinking, nobody could hear just how bad of a singer I was.

Somewhere between ordering another pint and collapsing on a bar stool, I felt my phone vibrate.

"Ello?" I said. A name didn't show up and I didn't recognize the number.

"AJ?"

I could barely hear the voice so shuffled into the back hallway, using the wall to prop up.

"Who's this?" I yelled, holding my hand over my other ear.

"It's me. Isabelle."

I'm not sure if I sobered up, or was so drunk I was hallucinating. I remember deleting her number. Didn't I?

"Did I text you?" I asked her.

"Uh, no," she said. Clearly she had no idea what I was talking about. "I just, I wanted to call to wish you a Happy Christmas. You didn't come home..." she started but I cut her off.

"I am home." I rested my head against the cool wall and squeezed my eyes shut. I was having a good time, such a good time forgetting about her and working and law, and everything. "What do you want?"

Isabelle said nothing. I'm not sure if she sniffled or I was just hearing things. "Isabelle, what is it? You called me. What?"

"I just wanted to hear your voice. I miss you." 

It is like being slapped when someone says the unexpected, but worse when you had wanted to hear those words at one time. There were so many nights when I would lie in bed and check my phone ten times in a row, willing it to ring and hear Isabelle say she missed me and to come back.

My reaction was to laugh. "You miss me? You didn't care too much when I was around and now you miss me?"

"That's not true, and you know it."

She sounded angry and that pissed me off. How dare she ruin my Christmas by calling to say she missed me? Isabelle inhaled sharply and now I was sure she was crying.

"Seriously, you're going to cry!" I slapped my hand against the wall and moved out of the way of someone trying to get to the bathroom. "Iz, you can't call me out of the blue and tell me you miss me. And then cry. It's always drama. I've moved on." I may not have moved on to someone new, but I had moved on. At least I tried to convince myself.

"Don't you think about me sometimes? Don't you miss what we had?"

I shook my head. Clearly she and I did not experience the same relationship.

"No, Iz. I don't think about you. And I definitely don't miss what we had, because we didn't have anything real," I said. I rubbed my hands over my face. "Don't call me again. Delete my number."

I hung up and slid my phone back into my jeans. Looking out into the pub, everyone was so happy to be around each other, smiling and enjoying the night. The air had just been sucked from my lungs. My head felt heavy and my eyes heavier. It was almost ten and I made the decision to call it a night.