When We Were Young

Don't Forget Where You Belong

I had no doubt that I would recognize Rachel. When she told me we could finally meet, my day of angst and waiting was over. But I still wasn't ready. I didn't know if I ever would be ready.

The bell rang when I walked in, just like it did more than twenty years ago when Skylar and I first came here the night we met. I don't know if Rachel knew that, or if she did, I was sure she forgot. Otherwise, asking me to meet her there would seem like a sick joke.

I didn't bother telling her. She had enough going on.

Rachel had always been such a free spirit. Worry never seemed to affect her; she was always happy and relaxed. So when I walked in and saw her in the corner, I knew things were worse than she let on. Lines sprawled out from her eyes, indents around her mouth, and her aging hands were folded in front of her tightlipped mouth. I noticed a wedding ring.

For her age, she looked well and I hated myself for even thinking 'for her age'. But there was pain. And concern. Exhaustion. All etched into her skin, and terror painted her eyes with dark shadows.

The bell slammed against the door and she looked up. She fumbled to stand up, and she smiled, but it was an apologetic smile—not one that said she was happy to see me. One that said she was sorry she had to see me under the circumstances.

Rachel moved around the table. She was still slender and dressed well. A silk scarf was wrapped around her throat and bracelets adorned her wrists, banging together.

"How have you not aged at all, AJ?" She smiled wider now when I reached her, and I immediately pulled her into my arms. Holding her was a wave of memories and as the seconds passed, we held each other tighter and tighter. We both loved Skylar, and now here we were together again because of our love for her.

"You don't look so bad yourself," I said, pulling away and feeling the dampness on my cheeks while Rachel wiped her own.

She just smiled and squeezed my shoulders. "Come. Sit."

We settled in and I ordered a coffee. The flight was going to catch up with me and I needed to stay awake. Rachel noticed and only crookedly smiled. We just stared at each other and the weight of reality hung in the air. Tears filled Rachel's eyes and I reached out to hold her hand.

"Tell me."

She nodded, and wiped her eyes. Rachel glanced out of the window, and frowned. "It's been really hard. I'm not going to lie. I won't sugarcoat it."

"You were never one to sugarcoat anything."

That got a smile out of her, at least to break the tension, if only slightly.

"She fought hard. She fought really hard." She nodded, and inhaled a staggered breath.

Here I was asking what had happened and to relive it all, dredging up the feelings Rachel had pushed away so she could get through.

"How long?"

I was trying to keep myself together. Not only for Rachel but also for my sake. The flight over was tortuous. I was anxious, angry, sad, irritated. I wanted to see her and understand what happened. Now, here she was in front of me and I didn't know if I could handle it.

She shrugged, as if time didn't matter. "Six years. I don't know. The days blend, you know? I feel like I just saw you."

My expression must have changed because she immediately followed up with an apologetic smile.

"It's okay. It feels that way, too. So, you're married?"

"I am," said Rachel, nodding slowly. "Andrew, and he has two grown children so somehow I'm a mom." She laughed nervously, fidgeting with one of her bracelets. "And you? Did you ever marry?"

I sipped my coffee. "For a short time," I paused. "I suppose, I missed my chance. When I left."

She shuddered and I could see the tears in her eyes forming and I felt the thickness in my throat.

"I hated how it ended. I was angry at her for so long, her stubbornness and..." Rachel just shook her head staring outside again. She shivered. "She pushed everyone away." Her voice was quiet, like she wasn't talking to me anymore. "She makes it impossible for anyone to want to love her, or want to be around her. Because being alone means you can't hurt anyone or be hurt," She turned, her eyes fierce and angry.

"I could have come back. I should have."

Rachel watched me carefully, measuring me up. "AJ, none of us expected Skylar not to go with you. I wasn't the only one upset with her that she didn't go. There was no reason for her not to. She just...I don't think she ever thought she deserved you."

I leaned forward, and chuckled. I stirred my coffee absently. "Deserve me?"

"After her father left, then her mother died, then her father had the balls to come back into her life just long enough to screw everything up. Jeez, Zeb moved away and they were never extremely close." Rachel frowned. "And then that asshole." She waved her hand and I knew she meant Craig. I softly laughed. "I mean, she meets you and everything's great. You're great. She's happy. But she expects the worst. I think she just waited for the bottom to drop out and she gave you every excuse not to come back. She made your life hell, AJ. Everyone saw that. That last year..." she twisted her lips.

"Not one of my best. Or the years that followed."

"No, I suppose not."

"I should have come back. I should have," I murmured. "I'll never forgive myself for it."

Rachel grabbed my hand.

"You can't do that to yourself. Don't. Who knows, you may have? Who's to say you wouldn't? We're still young. None of us could have known."

I shook my head, clenching my jaw and inhaled sharply through my nose. "I knew her. I knew what she was like. I should have just bought her a ticket and told her she was coming with me."

The corner of Rachel's lips quirked up. "Yes, and we all know what happens when we tell Skylar what to do."

I laughed, and it broke a few tears from my eyes. It loosened the tightness in my chest. "True. True. I like to believe that I would have come back. One day."

"The last time I saw you, I didn't think I'd see you again. But as time passed," she said her eyes staring at our intertwined hands. "Somehow, I knew I would. I knew you'd come back. I just wish it was on your own terms."

"Why now? Why did you call me now?"

She blinked a few times and took a deep breath. "Because now, now we've run out of time and I don't want you," said Rachel, squeezing my hand, "I don't want you to miss your chance."

"There's nothing," my voice caught. I had to swallow the tears thickening my throat. I coughed. "There's nothing that can be done?"

She shook her head. "No, AJ. It's too late."

I nodded and looked away. "Was she mad you called me?"

Rachel grinned. "After you were gone, she took down your pictures. That's when I really knew she wasn't going to follow you. At some point, she put a few back up. You are important to her, whether you were here or not."

I pulled my brows together. "She doesn't know?"

Rachel smiled sheepishly and shook her head. "AJ, she'll be too happy to be angry. Now, we should get going. She's expecting me back soon."