When We Were Young

Always

I had a million questions. But none I would ask Skylar. There was no reason to dive into the reasons for her decisions. It was true. Nothing mattered at this point. You can't go back.

It had been four days since I had arrived. Her spirits seemed to be better around me, according to Rachel. She was awake longer, and when she fell asleep she clung to me as if she was afraid I wouldn't be there when she woke. I wasn't going anywhere. I kissed her now and then, and often she kissed me, her fingers wrapped around my neck. It was only a shadow of how we used to be together, but I would take it over nothing.

We talked about our lives - books we had read, travel we had done, memories that made us laugh. I avoided any conversation about Madeline, and Cait, but Skylar often asked about Cait. Of course, I pulled out pictures and she gushed with happy tears about how adorable she was.

Zeb and his family were coming to see her. It was hard just knowing that they were coming to say goodbye but you try to push that aside and pretend it's another visit.

I had hired a team of nurses but Skylar liked Gloria, the day nurse the best. She shuffled around Skylar in the nicest way possible to help. It was apparent that her condition was deteriorating. She was scarily thin, she was always cold and food made her sick. Gloria said her mind and her heart were keeping her going and sometimes that could mean all the difference.

I wanted to believe that.

"Will you read to me?"

Skylar was lying on her side, and I had just come into the room. It was late and I had walked Gloria out. I smiled and changed quickly, her eyes watching me intently. I turned on the light next to the bed and slid under the sheets.

"Anything good?" I asked when I picked up the book. I didn't recognize the author and flipped to the back cover to read what the story was about. Skylar slid her hand across my stomach and it made me jump slightly. She was tucked underneath my arm, her head resting against my shoulder, staring up at me with eager eyes. "Skylar?"

"Okay, I lied. I don't want you to read to me," she whispered and reached her hand around my neck, pulling me closer to her mouth. I kissed her, softly, and she groaned from the back of her throat. I kissed her again, pushing the book aside and sliding down so I was hovering above her.

"Are you sure?" I asked. I knew I was sure. I knew that despite everything, I still wanted to touch her.

Her fingers tangled in my hair. She smiled with a slight nod. Her mouth opened and it seemed she reconsidered what she was going to say. "It hasn't killed all of my desire. Especially with you around." She grinned but her expression grew serious again. "Yes, I'm sure. If you... want to."

I bit my lip. I was afraid to hurt her. But I still wanted her. I didn't answer. I slid my hand down the side of her body, my thumb grazing her breast, and anchored on her hip. Her hipbone was sticking out, more than I ever remembered but I tried not to think of it. She had changed her clothes. She was wearing a silk top and shorts, and my body slid over hers even as barely as I was touching her.

"You can touch me," she said. Skylar kissed my neck, she bit my ear, kissed my cheek and my chin, and then sucked on my bottom lip.

I pressed my mouth to hers, spreading her lips. She groaned when my hand slid under her top, finding her supple breasts. I was gentle, removing her clothes and pushing off mine. Skylar couldn't move like she once did but she still started the burn in me like she always could.

"You tell me if I'm hurting you," I whispered, my mouth just grazing her lips.

She nodded, her breathing erratic. It was like our first time, ever. Like we both were unsure where our hands should be, if we were doing something wrong. I kept my weight off of her but her palms had flattened against my lower back and she was pulling me toward her.

"I love you, baby," I sighed.

I brushed my mouth to hers, our tongues just touching, our lips grazing. The teasing was driving me wild so my kiss grew deeper, more urgent. A small noise escaped from the back of my throat, surprising me and making Skylar groan in return. She scratched at my back and I deepened my kiss. I pulled her leg up to my hip, and smiled against her mouth, impressed still by her flexibility. I pulled back because I wanted to see her face. Skylar gasped when I entered her. I paused, but her hands urged me to keep going.

"I love you," she said, squeezing her eyes closed before opening them wide again, wet with tears. I rocked against her gently, as gently as I could. It was difficult not to let myself go. We were slow in our movements. I looked into her eyes the whole time, kissing her when she would gasp, trying to hold myself back and to hold onto the moment as long as I could.

Trying to never let her go.

She whimpered and I smiled, pushing into her one last time before my own release. I rested my forehead to hers, both of us out of breath and a shimmer of sweat on our skin. We just stared at each other, memorizing each other's face.

There was nothing left to say.

***

Skylar died seventeen days later.

The decline was so swift that even though I knew it was going to happen, I still was in shock. During the last week, Skylar couldn't get of bed. She was in and out of consciousness most of the time. She barely spoke when she was conscious, only staring off, and groaning in pain. There were IVs to help, pills, and the smell of sickness permeated through the apartment. Gloria was around constantly and I had the doctors come in.

Skylar's body was tired and I knew that her mind and heart were tired, too.

Rachel was there every day that last week. She would sit in the chair, holding her hand and I would hold Skylar propped against me. Skylar was sometimes awake, but most times not.

Sometimes Rachel and I would talk in whispers, and sometimes we would just sit. I would read to Skylar, even if she couldn't hear me. I liked to think she could hear my voice.

On that last day, Skylar was awake. Talking in a hushed voice, getting out of breath quickly, and losing her train of thought just as quick, but at least she was awake. Rachel didn't want to leave. She probably had a feeling, just like we all did. Skylar smiled, and mumbled that she was tired. Being tired over unconscious was good in our eyes so Rachel nodded. Her face was tight, her lower lip trembling. She kissed Skylar's forehead and fought back the tears.

She squeezed my shoulder as she headed out of the bedroom but stopped at the door. Out of the corner of her eyes, filled with tears and brimming over, she looked at Skylar. She swallowed hard, took a staggered breath and then let Skylar go.

I knew it was coming, one minute she would be there and the next she wouldn't so I braced myself every morning, every time I left the room, and every time she closed her eyes to sleep.

I was with her, as I promised her I would be. She was cradled in my arms, her hand resting on my stomach while I read to her. I couldn't have been more grateful to be there, to hear her last breath.

She looked up to me, smiled. "I love you, baby." I whispered. I leaned down and kissed her lips, then her forehead. And when I went back to reading, her body relaxed against mine and she sighed deeply. I kept reading with tears choking my words and thickening my throat because I knew she was gone. I didn't want to look at her, knowing she wouldn't be looking back at me. Finally, when I couldn't breathe anymore, I pushed the book aside and just held her.

I willed Skylar to say one more word, to tell me one more time that she loved me. I would always want one more moment, though. One more minute with her.

But no amount of time would ever be enough.