Choosing

t w e n t y o n e

When I wake up the next morning, I have to use all my willpower to get out of my futon. The party ended around four in the morning and I was sleeping by five. But it's eight now, and I only got a few hours of sleep.

I take a quick shower to waken myself up and change into some jeans and a random shirt. I tie a hoodie around my waist, and head down to get some breakfast.

To my surprise, Sara is waiting at the door. When she sees me, she drags me to a corner.

"I thought you were with the girls practi-"

She cuts me off with a hand to my mouth. "You fell asleep before we could talk last night!"

I pry her hands off my mouth. "And?"

"And? Tell me how your first kiss was?! With Ushijima!"

My face reddens. "It was good... but it wasn't my first kiss."

"Of course it was." She rolls her eyes playfully and bumps my hip. "I know you."

"No really, I kissed Oikawa."

She blinks at me. "Wait Oikawa? When?"

"Last week," I answer sheepishly. Her face falls and she backs up. The hurt clearly evident in her face but she should feel bad. She's left me alone for weeks to be with her little friends.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You've been a little busy." I shrug.

"Seriously? I've been busy? I try staying up every night to talk to you but you're always out with Ushijima."

"You leave before I can wake up," I argue but she's not having it.

"Only because I want to practice as much as I can while you sleep so we can hang throughout the day! You're the one always running off with Bokuto and Ushijima and now Oikawa. I mean come on Y/N, you think he's annoying!"

"Yeah, I do." I admit. "But atleast he's there. Even last night at the party — that you sprung on me last minute, I may add — he was there when you just ran off. You left me alone with a bunch of strangers!"

"They aren't strangers! I mean you ended up kissing two of them, apparently. And I wanted you to come to have fun, because you so badly need it!"

"No, Sara. You got it wrong. You wanted me to go, so you didn't have to go alone. You drag me along to all of your little endeavors so you aren't known as the girl with a bunch of guys after her. You want me to go so it looks like two friends just hanging out." I roll my eyes. "Just admit it! Admit that you think you're better than me!"

"Wait what? Better than you? Where is this even coming from? You know I don't think that!"

"Do I, Sara?" My voice breaks. "Do I?"

She takes a few more steps back. "I don't know what's gotten into you. I don't like it."

"What's gotten into me? Are you serious?" I laugh humorlessly. "Sara, you walk into the room and every eye is on you. You flatter people so effortlessly that it could be an actual skill. You act like you're the best thing to walk the planet when in reality you're not. You're not the star and I am not your shadow."

Maybe I was a little harsh but the words flow out of me before I can stop them. The jealousy and anger that I've pushed down over the years, rise up all at once and I can't help it. I can almost see her heart break but my heart has been breaking for years and she never noticed.

"I never said you were,"

"You thought it."

Her eyes glaze with water but she wipes it away quickly. "Y/N, you need to step out of your pity party for two seconds and realize what you have. I am constantly trying to make sure you fit in with people you could care less about, with people you make fun of. But I do it anyway because as your best friend, it's my job. I didn't choose to become who I am, but I'm glad I did. I'm doing something I love to do. Maybe when you find what you love, you will be less bitter about the rest of us."

"It's not your job. Not anymore." I spit. "Sorry for being such an inconvenience for you."

I push past her but not before hearing her say, "Good. I've been wanting an out!"

I try to push the hole in my heart down. I don't care what anyone says. Friend breakups hurt worse than relationship ones. For weeks, I've been looking at three guys and wondering who I should open my heart too. But I never realized my best friend owned that heart, not until she broke it. If this feeling is any indication, I want nothing to do with giving my heart to someone else.

Not if the hurt is this soul-wrenching.