Not yours By -yourlocalwolfgirl -yourlocalwolfgirl
Expelled (Chapter Title)
Fan Fiction (Genre)
Expelled (Themes)
Third Person Limited (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌚🌚)
---------------- 12.26.2020 -----------
More and more I'm finding myself very impressed with the writing I encounter on Wattpad. Some just take me away.
Yours fits the bill.
The first chapter does all a first-chapter's supposed to do. There was mayhem and confusion but organized well and in a very smooth way.
Grammar was great. Punctuation was on point. It had some commas outside the quotations but I think that's the UK style and therefore it's not an error. Because other punctuation was inside the quotation and you used double quotes, it looked like the US version with mistakes rather than the UK version. Seasoned readers will understand, I'm sure.
My disclaimer will be that I read the first few pages of Harry Potter and jumped ship when I got the cat (that beginning chapter was ROUGH, and I hated it). Yours, not at all; it was fun. So I'm not sure if that's a good thing.
From start to finish, you keep the flow well. I have nothing bad to say about your writing or your start. That ending was also great.
My only concern is the fact-checking. Do principals usually do house calls to deliver such news? In my experience (cough), the family is called into the school where the parents are told. Unless this is the UK style of doing things or because she doesn't want Aspen "setting FOOT on school property again." It's a small fix—a one-liner saying as much. At the very least, you may consider mentioning it to satisfy your American audience.
The chapter title was super spiolery. It wasn't at first but now that I've read the chapter and gone back to the top, I see that it was.
Otherwise, that's all I've got to say. Good grammar, good prose, good pacing. You had some 'echo' problems of repeating a word more than once but everyone does that. Literally, everyone. Another pass through can clean it right up. I don't know how the rest of the story goes but as of now, I'm giving this chapter two thumbs up and a green flag. Good job.
Prologue?
None present.
Does this need an edit?
No. Other than a few repeated words that interrupt your smooth flow, it was well written and the grammar and punctuation were good.
Would I read on?
Personally, no, but that's because I don't read fan fiction and I've never read Harry Potter. BUT a regular reader (Harry Potter fan or not) should lap this first chapter up with a big, fat grin. A casual reader would need more. For example, what are the consequences of what happened? i.e. her mother moved them to this VERY rich part of town they can't even afford just to get her into that school. That would make the teacher's message have a HUGE impact. That would make me read on. But as I don't know the Potter universe, I cannot advise going this route because I don't know how it'll affect your entire story. But if you ever want to turn this into original fic, then that is the component necessary to hook the reader (show the consequence of that life-changing message). As of now, as a fan fic, it's good as is, IMO.
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