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[41] CHAPTER REVIEW: Friends | KTH & PJM (FanFiction)

Friends | KTH & PJM by BTSpopper54 BTSpopper54

★1 (Chapter Title)
FanFiction (Genre)
Friends & Family (Themes)
Third Person Omniscient (somewhat consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 1.31.2021 -----------

Because I am not an avid fanfic reader, I don't know if I can be of much help in telling you whether or not you have successfully captured the personality, traits, or habits of the original band members. I'm not a part of the ARMY, therefore, I honestly do not know.

I will say that you were able to make them distinct, which is always a good thing. Also, even though I'm not a fan of the Third Person Omniscient POV, I don't think it was too terrible in this instance. It wasn't too jarring and I could follow the story well.

Also, I'd say that your exposition to dialogue ratio was also well balanced.

But while I cannot judge this piece based on its authenticity as a fanfic, I can judge it based on the story itself.

The things I liked are as follows:

- It takes place after they'd all grown up and gone separate ways
- It gives each character a bit of info so that we get to know them, even briefly
- It keeps a good pace, it didn't lag anywhere that I found distressing
- The place-to-place transitions were well done.

The things that didn't land well with me are as follows:

- The son (though I like the idea of them having kids, it was midnight and he was still up. Also, he was five but could swear). But this is a personal preference and you (as well as other fans) may actually like this
- The pick up lines. Some weren't so bad, but there were a few that made me wince. "Are you a book because I'm checking you out." Wow. Just...wow.
- The late introduction of the possible conflict (the brother and sister duo)
- The tease that 'it would be their last time together,' yet we don't get to see how that's possible.

As a cute innocent story, I think you can pull this off well. Maybe tone down a bit of the silliness (i.e. the pickup line) and up the realistic aspects just a bit more. Those are all tonal issues.

If the tone is the tone you enjoy, then I don't think you need to make any changes.

Now for the technical: the plot.

- What is the problem?
- What is the solution?
- What is standing in the way of that solution?
- What do the MC's plan to do about it?

At first, I'd thought the problem was their band breaking up, but by the end, that problem was never mentioned again.

Think of it, all stories have a problem. Otherwise, there would be no story. Even the most BASIC story has a problem.

Take the hungry caterpillar. He's hungry, that's his problem. His solution? He goes out and looks for food. What's standing in his way? His very slow, small body against these huge fruits. In the end, he transforms into a butterfly, thus allowing him to travel from place to place freely to find food. He's no longer hungry.

Winnie the Pooh is trying to get honey. Solution? Go to the tree to get some. Standing in his way? Bees. Lots and lots of bees. What does he do about it? He has Christopher Robin walk around with an umbrella pretending it'll rain. Etc. etc.

By the end of chapter 1, we need an introduction of this problem. Even if you don't have a possible solution in mind, there needs to be this idea that one or more characters are heading in that direction.

As of now, it's a playful little story, filled with fan service for any and all BTS fans and that's okay. But if you define that plot, then end with a hint of what's to come (murder, mystery, mayhem), this cake will end up much sweeter for having that frosting.

Prologue?
Skipped. As a rule, I do not read prologues.

Does this need an edit?
Yes. There are some dialogue tags, comma splices, and fragments. The plot needs to be established.

Would I read on?
Yes/No. Without a clear idea of...
A. the clear conflict
B. hints of what's to come (quest, adventure, romance, power struggle)
C. a clear possible solution for the MC
...then I wouldn't be too eager to jump to the next chapter.

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