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[38] CHAPTER REVIEW: Get Out If You Can (Teen Fiction)

Get Out If You Can - Diego by walushaf

Prologue / Scrawl On The Wall (Chapter Title)
Teen Fiction (Genre)
Duty & Family (Themes)
First Person Present (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌚🌚)

---------------- 1.23.2021 -----------

You have a lot of talent, and your command of the English language is pretty good. I commend you on the characters you've chosen as your MC's and the backgrounds you've given them. But it comes at a price.

That price is expectations.

Your prologue reads great in the beginning, in fact, I don't know why it's a prologue and not a first chapter (at least, I didn't until I got to the first marker), the introduction of Jaxon.

But I'm jumping the gun so let me start from the top.

Your prologue introduces us to Diego. He's VERY likeable, and VERY relatable. Then we meet his mother (indirectly) and that's very well done also. The intro does a LOT of heavy lifting and I will be honest, I almost teared up when we found out about his brother.

And then it happened. This beautiful creature of a prologue...doubled over, opened up its new scene and vomited all the cliches it could find.

Jaxon...the typical bully. So uterally 2 dimensional that he doesn't even get a facial description or a consistent sport to join in with his friends. He's as 'by the book' generic, uninteresting as they come, and it's at that moment that my soaring expectations plummet and I wanted to stop. As a casual reader, I would have stopped with the introduction of Jaxon. But he's a red herring that you need for your story? Yes. Yes. We can see that.

The thing is, I don't know if you actually need him. Your intro has HEART. Like, HEAVY heart. The brother thing is so powerful.

(I will get to the main problem with this story in a moment, but first, let's get to the end of the prologue and the start of chapter 1).

The prologue ends with him screaming like a girl. (FINE). But by then, I was so over the cliches that I didn't feel like going on. You have the right idea of 'hook/cliff-hanger ending' but I'd felt too betrayed by the great start and the cliche fizzle that I didn't trust you enough to go into chapter 1.

So how did I end up in chapter 1? I forced it. I was writing up a different review and realized that I don't start with prologues for a reason. So I decided to see if I was right. Armed with my arrogance, I started on your first chapter. To find out WHY he screamed? Yeah, I felt tricked once more. But that didn't matter too much because once again, good writing. Good pacing. Great vivid storytelling.

And then you did it again, we get to the scene break and I felt like it was a whole new story (and not in a good way). It feels like each time (before the scene break) the story is inspired and strong. But then after the scene break, it's just filling a quota of some sort, but I cannot say what. It appears that with every attempt you make at trying to give the story more flips to perform, it can't stick that landing.

I liked Diego MORE in the chapter 1 version. He was snarky and sweet and I felt bad for him. (Conveniently no mention of grandma and grandpa but okay). But the thing that made him scream, it's interesting but I'm not sure if screaming is the best response. Maybe call the police? Yup? Maybe run out of that room? Okay, but to scream?

As of now, if you drop all the 'second scenes,' in the chapters, I swear, it'd be stronger. I know you can't drop them but they need to shine just as much as the opening parts.

But that's not the biggest concern I have for this story.

And what's my issue?

Here it is: it's a con.

Let me explain.

I was raised by con artists so I know the basic thing you need in a con, consistency. You are not Puerto Rican but you are writing about them. I know you are not, because all Puerto Ricans know that Puerto Rico is America. And that's fine. I don't think that's a bad thing. Making your characters something different from you is a great feature. I think that is a plus. But because it's foreign to you, you'll need to be careful with details that may reveal it. And even if you don't get it 100% right, you know, I don't think that'd be a terrible thing either.

Personally, I liked what you did with your characters with regards to their backgrounds and culture. Admittedly, I was more interested in him because of his Hispanic background. But you cut can't corners with your story. You have to research some more.

And here's the thing about a good con, because the crooks in my family have it down to an art, you can either leave the victim feeling 'great' or feeling 'cheated' but there is no in-between. And that sliver of a difference is going to make or break this story.

The inconsistencies in these two chapters alone are too plentiful.

Let me show you a few.

1. He's Puerto Rican, okay, and you want to show his Hispanic roots. Man oh man is it laid on THICK in the prologue. From the cafe, to the mixture of foods which aren't consistent to ONE Hispanic group, and so on. If you wanted to show he's Hispanic, you already did that by naming him 'Diego.' Throw a few 'holas' in there and we're done. But that's not your style because you know that a story works best with authenticity. That means you'll have to research things a bit better OR be more selective with the details you focus on.

2. The bully isn't a chick magnet? That's inconsistent with reality. Men who partake in sports ARE chick magnets. It literally says "Jaxon is a womanizer" that indicates women flock to him and he goes through them easily. But then the next sentence reads "he doesn't have a girlfriend because no girl would be that stupid" or something to that effect. So is he a womanizer or is he a loser in love? Then Diego says to the reader that Diego's not even anything more than an 'estranged acquaintance' to the girl Jaxon accuses him of trying to steal. So WHAT is the narrative? Jaxon is going to find this random guy who has a VAGUE acquaintance with a girl he's not even dating and pick on him for it?

3. And it doesn't stop there. There are more inconsistencies (very vital ones) in chapter 1 which I've pointed out about his introduction of the dead girl as a one-day acquaintance, to a brief date, then a childhood friend, etc. It's an easy fix.

You have talent, and you know what makes a good story. I say keep writing it as you want and after it's done, get a good-faith beta reader (preferably one of Hispanic descent) to proofread it for you. This is the part where I'd go into great detailed suggestions about how to fix these problems but I think that won't be necessary. You already know how to structure the story and I'm sure your mind can conjure up far better solutions that run smoother than I could advise for your story. It's a drink that hits well, fast, and hard, but keep that momentum and sensation down till the last drop.

Prologue?
Read along with chapter 1.

Does this need an edit?
Yes. There are some dialogue tags, comma splices, and fragments.

Would I read on?
Yes. This chapter has everything a first chapter needs to be viable at the start, but fizzles after the scene break.