FREE Book Reviews

[15] CHAPTER REVIEW: Partners in Crime (Action/Adventure)

Partners in Crime by 4everSherlocked 4everSherlocked

Chapter One (Chapter Title)
Action/Adventure (Genre)
Decisions & Henchmen (Themes)
Third Person Limited (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌚🌚)

---------------- 12.16.2020 -----------

I'm not sure where to start with this one. On the surface, it has satisfied all the criteria for a solid first chapter. The genre is clear, the MC and her personality is clear. We know what to expect and there's also humor and intrigue as well.

All characters are distinct and though it was brief, I did like Bart and the father's interaction. There's a lot to love here and I think any casual reader looking for a bit of wit and some tongue-in-cheek dialogue would appreciate this story.

The writing was good. You have a sort of 'echo' issue. Well, less of an echo and more of a parroting issue. One character mentions something and the other literally parrots it back. Or the narration mentions it, and the characters parrot it back. It's okay to repeat it...with different words.

FORE EXAMPLE

Her legs were tiny, which proved disproportionate to her hefty bottom. And she walked like a duck. As I watched Mrs. Quakers—er...Quakes approach, I gnashed my teeth to bite back my laugh. The woman waddled. She actually...and truly...waddled.

"Look at her," I told Besty. "Moving from side-to-side like a fat bird about to take center stage for Thanksgiving."

Mrs. Quakes shuffled towards us, hips swinging. When she finally arrived, she let out a huff. I half expected her to take flight and lessen the burden her big body had on those twig limbs that propped her up.

'Waddled' is used twice for effect and emphasis, but not after. In fact, it probably can't be used again in the entire chapter because it's an uncommon word and therefore stands out.

Now let's get into the story.

Disclaimer; I liked it.

But.

But.

But.

What is it?

Is it satire? Drama? A parody?

Because it borders on the absurd. (Don't you close this window. Get back here.)

I don't know what this story is or how to categorize it. Is it meant to be straight-faced, or tongue-in-cheek?

I ask because there are some absurd things.
1. The use of the word 'henchmen.'
2. Their partaking in some sort of "Despicable Me"-esque competition.
3. Their unending family and the other extended families who were in on all of it like some second secret world grafted atop our own.

These are all pretty out there, but they worked. I resigned myself to having a good laugh and not taking it too seriously.

But then the bombshell happened and we found out why she hates the Morans.

That one thing changed this from a slap-happy read to something a bit more serious.

So...is this serious? If it's not, then I think that mother incident should be lessened to make this less grim. Maybe have the mother afflicted and that prize was the last thing she wanted??

If this IS serious and you want it serious, then some things have to change.

There's a reason why henchmen aren't called 'henchmen.' Think back on all the parody spy movies and note their use of that term. Then think back on all the serious spy movies and try to remember hearing it. You don't.

If you mean for this entire thing to be taken seriously (despite the wit and quips) then I'd say:
1. Give the 'henchmen' a different name.
2. Give the traditional game prize as more than just a 'title.' Do they get land? Control of something? Maybe a business area that goes to whoever can win it? Let the goal be 'asset' and not 'doing underhanded things.' For example, "Whoever can secure twenty million from a world power in the least amount of time." etc. etc.

3. Definite their role in society. Are they a family of criminals masquerading as lawyers? Evangelicals? Non-profit foundation? What exactly is it that people see when they look at that family?

If it stays as is, I think that's fine. But know that I wasn't sure how to take the scene. Is it a light comedy or something darker? I wasn't sure.

Prologue?
None present

Does this need an edit?
Not really. Grammar and punctuation were good. Maybe a light touch here and there for dialogue tags couldn't hurt.

Would I read on?

Yes. Even though I wasn't sure what the story was (what genre), it was enjoyable and I think even as is, a casual reader can like it. I'm more serious about what I read so I'd need some grounding by chapter 2 to know if this is a 'fun comedy' or some 'dark drama' before I could go on, though. But that's a personal issue.

If you found this review useful, please give this book a shout-out. It brings more eyes to it and goes a long way. Please consider adding your book to the "Speed-Dating Books" version of this book where others can get a sample of your work quickly. That service is also FREE.